Curtains Closed
by Niki S
Summary: Swan Lake has come and gone, but the pain doesn't stop when the curtains close. As Nina recovers from the events that shattered her world, she learns that change may not be a bad thing.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. The characters and story belong to director Daron Aronofsky and the writers. But Lord, do I wish I owned Mila Kunis ;)

Author's Note: This is my first time writing a story in quite some time... I've dying for Nina/Lily stories lately, but there really haven't been many. I'm writing this story for two reasons: One, I'm trying to write the story that I really want to read, and two, maybe reading this story will inspire somebody else to write also, and we can slowly start building up a Black Swan collection! I have 12 chapters planned, and reviews are what will keep me writing and posting. I hope you enjoy!

The first thing I was aware of when I woke was a lullaby, humming softly in my ears and pulling me toward consciousness. I could feel my body, every inch of it, but I couldn't feel it in relation to my surroundings... where was I? All I could tell was that the soothing tune was close to me, close enough that I could feel vibrations, and then the slightest breeze on my arm. Somebody was with me.

When I finally opened my eyes, I was greeted with the sight of my mother, sitting in a chair and resting her arms on the side of my bed, extremely close. She was humming a tune, which I now recognized as the song of my childhood... The song from my jewelry box. Only when I slightly shifted my head did she look up and realize that I was awake. Hey eyes lit up, and I didn't believe I'd ever seen a more genuinely happy look on her face.

And yet, I was uneasy.

"Oh thank God, Sweetheart, you're awake." She stood and began fussing around, seemingly not knowing what to do. "How are you feeling? Do you need water? I should get somebody, that's what you need.

She leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Don't worry, Mommy's here. I'll take care of everything."

Once I was alone, I tried to piece everything together. Why was I in the hospital? The last thing I remembered was dancing the Black Swan, though that memory was hazy. In fact, the only thing I remembered clearly was arriving at the theatre and discovering that Lily was taking my part.

Oh my God, Lily. Did I...? No, I didn't. I imagined it. I can't remember much, but if I had hurt her, I would be in trouble, and it seemed that only my mother was there waiting for me regain consciousness. I felt relief...

That was two weeks ago. I still can't seem to form a coherent timeline of the opening night. From what I've been told, I lost consciousness, due to blood loss, directly after I danced the White Swan's finale. I was unconscious for 3 weeks. I haven't had many visitors, just my mother, one girl from the studio and, surprisingly, Thomas. I don't know if you could even count my mother as a visitor. She literally hasn't left me alone since I woke up.

Actually, she's not here right now. For that, I'm thankful. Even though my mother has always been overbearing, it never bothered me before like it does now. I'm not a child. I'm a woman, and for the first time in my life, I truly feel like one. What's changed? I feel like a new person, and it's scary. As if I don't even know myself. I've found myself thinking thoughts that I've always repressed, finally being unable to keep them at bay.

I've laid in bed for two weeks, having nothing else to do but be examined by the doctors and ignore my hovering mother. The restless feeling in me has pushed me to fantasizing, imagining what it would be like to be anywhere else. I think about pleasure, be it laying on the beach or having wild sex that I'd never dreamt of having before. I'm blushing thinking about it now, or more accurately, blushing because I seem to have no problem thinking about it. I watch the nurses bend over doing things, thinking about what it would feel like to reach out and touch...

OK, time to relax. Relieving this feeling isn't really an option in here. Not only was privacy non existent, but I was still in pain. They found a broken piece of mirror in my stomach, which had been in there so long that it had done a lot of damage. It's a mystery how it got there, though I feel like the doctors are waiting for me to admit how it happened, as if I can remember.

I'm also tired from putting every bit of energy I have into not thinking... Not thinking about my injuries, my mother, or how my future in ballet may now be nothing but a dream.

No, I can't go there. I can't think that. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Maybe I should nap and let my mind rest for a while. I close my eyes, and as I slowly start to drift asleep, I hear a voice in the distance. Her voice.

I can hear a nurse speaking now. "... room 324, dear. I think you're the only visitor right now."

I hear her thank the nurse, and then the click of her boots starts to get closer, and I know that I can't see her right now. I shut my eyes and try to slow my breathing, faking slumber. I hear her pause in the doorway, and I don't think I imagined a soft sigh.

She enters the room and places something on the table next to my bed. Flowers, probably. Then, to my utter horror, she sits on the edge of my bed and goes silent. I'm panicking, praying that she doesn't know I'm awake.

"Hey, Nina," she whispers, stroking my hair back softly. I really can't believe this is happening. "It's Lily. I came to see how you are... It sucks that you're sleeping, but I guess you need to."

I feel her lean closer, so close that I can feel her breath next to my ear. Her voice is so quiet that I'm not sure if I'm imagining it. "The production is over. I tried to be as good... I wasn't. I'm sorry I let you down." Then she got off of the bed and stayed still for another second. Is she watching me? I hear her start to move away.

Then, she pauses again, and says a bit louder, "I'll see you soon, Nina." Her footsteps get further away, and after a minute or two I dare to open my eyes. She's gone.

I surprise myself, then, when the relief does not wash over me. Instead, it's more like a sense of loss. I sigh to myself... Shit.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Hi guys! I'm updating a day later because I just couldn't wait to get more into the story. The stuff in this chapter is necessary. I'm by no means a doctor, but I feel confident enough in my knowledge of psychosis to paint a semi convincing story. Any errors I made, please don't shoot me! I really know nothing about comas and therapy though. I tried, and now that that's over and done with, we can get to the good part... that part would be Nina and Lily being awesome and sexy. Expect a lot of Lily in the next chapter. I'm also trying to work with the movie, so I feel like Nina is only just now starting to let her new self free. I don't mean to seem out of character. Anyway, please review! It's so important. Enjoy, and let me know what you think :)

***Two weeks have passed since the day that Lily came to see me. During that time, I've felt as if my life is no longer mine. I have no choices. The doctors have made it clear to me, now, that they believe my stab wound was self-inflicted. Luckily, there's no proof of this, and therefore no proof that I'm a danger to myself or others. At least they can't force me into a psych ward, but I have been convinced, and by convinced I mean harassed, into seeing a resident psychiatrist.

Dr. Bell is a woman, as I requested, who looks exactly like Martha Stewart. Dr. Bell is what I've always wanted to be... She dresses so elegantly that I can't help but stare, and her grace seems easy, unforced. Her voice is like honey, and I've wondered several times now if that's coincidental or purposely for her job. Whichever the reason, I find myself telling her more than I mean to... More than I tell anyone.

My memories have slowly started to come back to me, and I'm sure of only a few things. I'm sure that I've hallucinated many time, but I can't figure out which memories are reality and which are just my imagination. No, that's wrong. I know, for instance, that seeing my reflection in the mirror act independently from my body was a hallucination. There is no way that happened.

I told Dr. Bell about some of these hallucinations. She listened to me carefully as I told her about my reflection, and the persistent delusion that I was transforming into a bird. I was careful to gloss over anything incriminating, such as believing for just a moment that I had pulled the skin off of my own finger, only to find that I had imagined it all. I knew that if I said anything about pain or mutilation, she would have me carted off to a place I would never escape.

I explained everything to her because I became scared by the memories. That couldn't have been normal, right? To see all those things. I don't think I've hallucinated recently, but I've also had so many painkillers that it's hard to say what I've been thinking these last few weeks. Dr. Bell believes that I was going through an episode, brought on by the stress I was feeling because of my role, my mother, and neurotic tendencies. She said that I have a predisposition for psychosis, specifically Schizophrenia.

When she said that word, I wanted to get away as fast as possible. Schizophrenic? Me? I'm a young girl... A ballerina. I can't be schizophrenic. According to Dr. Bell, I'm the right age for the onset, and my environment triggered it. I still don't believe her, but I can't deny that I do have a lot of the symptoms. But I don't feel crazy anymore! You can't just switch it off, can you? She said that it's a theory, but she still wanted me to start a medication called _Risperdal_ as, "a precaution." The way she said that made me feel as if she wasn't being completely truthful. As if she was simply placating me.

Schizophrenia, unfortunately, is not the worst of my problems. In just the three weeks I was out, muscle atrophy had begun in my legs. My month spent in bed since then has not helped. My legs are the strongest part of my body, and the most important part for ballet. When the doctor told me that dancing was not in my immediate future, my tears were so heavy that he became uncomfortable and left the room. Of course my mother was there, stroking my back and telling me it would all be OK. I want to believe her, but I can't help but think that this is my punishment for being such a horrible person. Why else would this happen to me?

Because of the atrophy, I'm going to have to spend time building muscle in my legs, rather than getting back into the swing of dancing. I wouldn't be able to do that anyway, though, because the wound in my abdomen protests even the most basic stretches and movements. Apparently the pain will exist for quite some time, but I should be OK to dance in a few weeks. I'm already ahead of my recovery schedule, though, and I'm being released today. The excitement I feel to be outdoors, even in 35 degree weather, is so consuming that I'm barely paying attention as the doctor explains to me what I need to do between now and my next follow-up. Take it slow, got it. Clean the wound, got it. Finish my antibiotic by the end of the week, got it. Only dance when I feel ready... yeah, OK, I've got it. Pretty much, don't rip the hole open again. I practically run to the elevators, and the moment I step outside, I take a deep breath. As the fresh air fills my lungs, I think to myself, "It's beautiful today... I have another chance."

***After I get home from the hospital, I feel like laying down to read. As recovered as I am, being up and about is still tiring. Just as I'm getting comfortable on my bed, my mother walks in with a stack of mail.

"Here Sweetie, this is mail that came in for you. There are a couple of bills that you should settle soon, but they're mostly "Get Well" cards. There are some nice ones." She smiles gently at me.

Wait, what? "You read my mail," I say, looking at her suspiciously.

"Well yes, I figured you could use help getting settled. Just trying to be helpful."

"And you think that opening my mail would be too overwhelming?" I can hear the anger in my voice, but I can't bring myself to feel bad. She just keeps pushing me.

Her eyes narrow. "I'm sorry, then. It's not as if I've read your diary or something, but if you feel so strongly about it, I won't help you anymore." She turns to walk out of the room, and I can't stop myself from saying something else.

"Good! I'm really over you helping me. Oh, and I don't have a fucking diary, because I'M NOT TWELVE YEARS OLD ANYMORE!" Ow, that hurt my stomach.

She glares at me, and then slams the door loudly. I can't believe I said that, and I can't believe that I could speak to my mother that way without the influence of drugs or alcohol. Maybe this is growing up...

I start to open the envelopes, placing the bills to the side. Those can wait until later. It seems that people I haven't spoken to in years got wind of my hospitalization. My best friend in high school, my childhood ballet teacher, the man who works at the cleaner's down the street. Then I open an envelope that contains a beautiful card... A picture of ballet slippers, tattered to the point that they look like someone beat them against a brick wall for ten hours straight. The spotlight shining in the foreground touched just a bit of one slipper, and that bit was covered in a glitter so beautiful you would think it was powdered diamonds. I open the card. In a messy, but distinctly girly, handwriting, a small message was written:

_Despite being broken in spirit and body, your beauty shines_

_ when you're in the spotlight... Get well soon, the stage is missing its star._

_ -Lily_

*** Every time I leave physical therapy, I feel strong and exhilarated. When I move, be it dancing or walking, I feel at home. I feel like that is what my body is meant for.

I can't stop grinning as I walk the streets of Manhattan. Today was extremely successful. After two weeks of building my strength, my therapist gave me permission to start practicing again. As soon as I get home, I have to call Thomas and give him the good news. I've spoken to him a couple times, and he's made it clear to me that I am welcome back as soon as I feel up to it.

I stop and grab a water and a Snickers bar. I suppress the voice in my head yelling, "FAT, FAT, FAT!" Hey, why the hell not? Depriving myself of freedom and happiness is how I got into this whole mess in the first place. I can't even wait to get home before I open it. Slowly making my way up the steps, I eat the candy bar in about two and a half bites. That was hardly lady-like.

I reach the landing and unlock the door, yelling out to see if my mother is home. We aren't on the best of terms right now. Since I got home, her concern seems to have turned into extreme nosiness and a need to control me. Has it always been this way? It seems sudden, but I'm not so sure. She doesn't answer, and I'm quite relieved to not have to speak to her right now. I glance over at the phone, and the answering machine is blinking at me, telling me there are messages.

I press the red button, and the messages start playing. Message from my grandmother to see how I am, message from the bank, telling me I need to call about my account. There's a message for my mother, from a male voice that I don't recognize. Weird. And then the last message plays, and I'm so happy that I wasn't here to answer. Lily's raspy voice fills the foyer, and I glance around for my mother, as if Lily's words aren't meant for her ears.

"Hey Nina, it's Lily. I stopped by the hospital a little after you came to, but you were asleep. I left flowers. I hope you liked them. Anyway, I just wanted to see how you are, and tell you that we miss you at the studio. I hope you'll stop by soon, or even just give me a call. So yeah... I guess I'll talk to you. Feel better." The message ended, and with a BEEP! the red light went out.

I don't know how long I can avoid her, but I'm still so unsure of Lily and what she's done. Or, what I think she's done. My memories want me to believe that Lily is my enemy, out to steal everything that means anything to me. The Lily I remember tricked me, drugged me, lied to me, and pretended like she had never done any of it. She had sex with me... But she also denied that. Could I really have imagined that? I imagined killing her, so why not? Maybe I was at fault, and not Lily. Maybe I made her the demon that I couldn't face in myself. I almost want to laugh at myself for being so metaphysical, but I truly am serious. Is Lily really the bad guy?

Whether she is or not, I don't feel comfortable. I won't feel comfortable until I make up my mind. It's hard to do that, though, when your mind tells you things that aren't true. Maybe I do need that medicine. With a sigh, I pick up the phone and dial the number to Thomas's cell. I guess the time has come. I'll make up my mind about Lily later.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: Hey, guys... I hope this chapter is to your liking. We're FINALLY getting some Lily time. Future chapters will be more like this one. Longer and with lots of Nina/Lily moments. On a side note, I'd like to say to readers that you _need_ to review. The people writing these stories, and I'm not just talking about me, put thought and time into writing these stories. I know people are reading them, and yet they're not responding, which is basically saying, "Hey, you worked hard, but I don't think what you wrote was worth acknowledging." It's OK if you didn't like it, the review will still be appreciated. If you want everyone to keep writing, you've got to give them a reason to. I'd also like to thank those who have reviewed my story. OK, enough about that. Enjoy!

...

It's been a week since I told Thomas that I could come back to the company. Though my instincts told me to start the next day, I felt like I should give therapy just a little more time before I started to pursue ballet again. I couldn't put it off any longer, though, and that's how I ended up in the studio that I'm currently practicing in.

Lorena is helping me, directing me carefully. She supports my body when I need help with certain moves, and she's extremely patient with me when I mess up. It's so hard to be OK with this right now. I feel like a five year old in her first ballet class, and not a woman who's danced in a high profile company for years. It's embarrassing, not to mention frustrating.

We've been alone in the studio for the last hour, so I notice movement to my left in the quiet room. I don't look over, though, being too busy trying not to fall over.

"Nina!"

I look up, startled, and lose my balance. Thomas is standing to the side of the room, looking straight at me. I reluctantly answer him.

"Yes, Thomas?"

"Come, speak with me," he orders, curling his fingers and motioning to me that I should come. I walk over slowly, hesitantly, wondering what he would want to speak with me about. We've already talked so much over the last month, I really don't know what he would want to pull me from my practice for.

Once I'm standing in front of him, he looks me up and down, appraising me. He looks so effortlessly casual, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. "So, tell me, what are you doing?"

I'm confused. "What do you mean?"

He sighs. "I mean, what are you doing? What is going on inside of your head? What's driving you? What do you want? I need to know these things, and I think you do too."

"I want to dance again," I respond. I thought he and I had already covered all this.

"Yes, but why? What's in it for you now?"

I don't know what to say. "Thomas, I don't know what you want me to say. I want to dance, I've always wanted to dance."

He turns his head when the doors to the studio open. Several girls, including Veronica, walk into the room. The look Veronica gives me makes me think that she would love nothing more than for me to go back into a coma and never wake.

My attention returns to Thomas, who is looking at me thoughtfully. "You know, I see the difference... It is subtle, but there."

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," I say. I'm having trouble following this conversation.

"What I mean," he pauses, "is that the Nina Sayers that danced the Black Swan so passionately, intensely, and perfectly, is still there. You're trying to contain her, but you've given her a taste and I don't think you can ever go back to how you were before."

As he speaks, he starts to circle me, getting closer and closer, until he's standing next to me, so close that we're lightly touching. My breathing is definitely faster. I look to the side, seeing the girls watch us. Veronica's face is livid.

"You know, being a woman doesn't mean that you must be reserved, fragile... afraid. Women are meant to let go." His face is close to mine, and I feel his hot breath. "Women are sexual, strong, open."

My voice is weak, cracking when I speak. "I know that. I've just never been comfortable being so-"

"Yes I know," he interrupts. His voice is becoming more forceful. "I know that's why you're stifling what's in you. What made you so riveting to watch. Passion, Nina. You must let go. You're so close."

"It's not that easy, Thomas!" I whisper harshly. I look up into his eyes. They look stormy, and hungry. "Maybe I can be that girl on stage, but in my every day life, it feels unfamiliar, almost unnatural."

"Sweet Nina, there's nothing more natural. Tell me, is it not fun?"

"Well, yes, i suppose."

"I can help you, Nina. I could help you to," his eyes drag up and down my body, "open up? Have some fun." He grins, and despite his words, it's slightly charming.

His words, however, do make me a bit uncomfortable. I move back, putting a good two feet between us. "I don't think that's really a good idea."

"Why not, did you not kiss me that night?" He looks confused.

"I did, but the way I feel now... I just need to focus on myself, and my dancing. I don't need distractions." I keep my eyes down, hoping he'll drop the subject.

He sighs. "As I said, you stifle her." He shakes his head, and when he looks back to me, he asks, "And what of your progress?"

"I don't really know how long it will take. I'm trying to be ready quickly."

"Nina, it will take as long as you need it to. Don't worry, you're not being rushed. You'll get there." The way he says this sounds quite final, as if he's ending an essay, and definitely ending our chat.

I start walking back to where I was practicing, when Thomas yells to me, "Nina!" I stop and turn. "Remember that assignment I gave you? Your new assignment is to do that again, but add a glass of Merlot." He smiles at me, so I'm sure he's joking. I laugh a little and continue walking.

Lorena seems to have left, but I guess I can practice a bit more on my own. I resume my position at the bar, and after just a second I hear Veronica call my name. I turn to face her. Everyone is standing nearby, warming up.

I look at Veronica's face, and I can see that she's about to say something vile to me.

"Nina, I see that you're already trying to get the spot back as Thomas's _little princes_s." A few of the girls chuckle at this. "But for the life of me, I can't see what he sees in you." Her tone is completely nasty.

"Veronica, it's lovely to see you as well. I see that your bad attitude hasn't changed much while I was gone." I put on a cheerful smile, and I can see how much it annoys her. My mother always said, kill them with kindness.

She has a frustrated look on her face. I guess my strategy worked. My inner celebration is cut off by the next words that come out of her mouth.

"You know, Nina, I'm not too sure why you're back. I'd definitely say you're not wanted here. I mean, we're not too fond of you, Thomas is already fucking somebody new, and watching you dance is extremely... Well, forgettable." She smiles at me, her grin vicious. "I was hoping that after you unsuccessfully tried to kill yourself, you would just call it quits."

I open and close my mouth, struggling to find words to form an appropriate response. I can't believe she said that. Veronica's face becomes amused at my lack of response.

Amazingly, somebody responds for me. "Veronica, considering how much time you spend gazing at yourself in the mirror, I would think that you would know that jealousy isn't a good look on you." Lily is sitting on the ground stretching, and I'm surprised I didn't see her there before. "It makes your skin splotchy," she finishes, grinning at me. I can't bring myself to return the smile.

Lily is just as I expected her to be. She looks beautiful, as always, with her tiny body and perfect face. I didn't think it would be possible, but she actually looks more gorgeous than the last time I saw her. She's dyed her hair very dark, and it makes her brilliant hazel eyes look even more stunning. It so not fair that anyone should look like she does.

Veronica redirects her anger as she turns to face Lily. "Wow Lily, it didn't take you long to climb right back up Nina's ass, did it?"

Lily looked unfazed. "Is that all you've got? Don't you want to call me fat, stupid, or ugly? Come on, make my day." She smiles at Veronica, almost taunting her.

Veronica glares at Lily, lost for words. She finally composes herself and says, as menacingly as she can, "Fuck you."

"Ooh, good one." Lily gets up, grabbing her stuff. "Fuck this, I'm skipping today. Later girls." On that final note, she turns and waltzes to the other side of the studio, past the divider, to where the exit is.

I feel uneasy being alone in here with these girls, so I quickly grab my stuff and go toward the exit. I glance at Veronica as I leave, and it seems that all she can do is glare at me.

I walk around the divider, out of their sight, and I'm startled to see Lily standing there, apparently waiting for me. I slowly approach her.

"Hey stranger, how's it goin?" The way she asks me this is strange. Very reserved, very not like Lily.

I hesitate for a moment. I'm not sure what to say. "Oh, you know... trying to get back into the swing of things." I'm already uncomfortable in this conversation. Lily makes me so nervous, and I really don't know why. It's not that I'm scared. It's more of a queasy feeling, like fluttering in my stomach.

"Actually, I don't know," she says. "You've kinda been ignoring me." Oh, that's where this conversation is going. I didn't think she'd actually bring it up. What should I say? Think, Nina, think!

"W-what? I haven't ignored you," I stutter back, giving this fake little laugh. I am _such_ a bad liar.

"Uh, yeah, you have. Flowers, cards, phone calls... Ring any bells?" She's clearly expecting an answer, and from her face I can tell that denying it will only annoy her more.

"Yeah, listen, I'm sorry. It's really nothing personal. I haven't been in contact with anyone, really. I've been focusing on getting better." I'm being truthful about my contact with other people, but she really doesn't need to know that that's not why she hasn't heard from me. She doesn't need to know that I really have been ignoring her in particular.

Her face relaxes a bit, and the playful look that I'm familiar with is making it's way back. "Way to take the wind out of my sails! How can I be mad now?" she laughs.

I stay silent, looking around at everything but Lily. I can feel her eyes on me, searching my face for something that I can't name.

"So really though, how are you? I know everything's been... _a lot_." I look back at her and see that her face has softened, showing genuine concern.

I search quickly for an answer "Well I've started training to dance again." Obviously I've started training, or I wouldn't be here. Stupid Nina. I can't be honest. Whatever it is that I am right now, it does not need to be spoken aloud.

"That's awesome!" I can tell she's not fully buying it. "I can't wait for you to get back. These girls are killing me," she says, rolling her eyes.

I nod my head in agreement, sympathizing. "Yeah, they can pretty nasty."

"Try complete twats. Or Veronica is, anyway." She takes a deep breath, looking around and winding her shoulders a bit. "I swear to God, the next time she says something or looks at me the wrong way-"

I cut Lily off, not wanting to talk about Veronica. That wouldn't make me much better than that bitch. Whoops, did I think that? "What about the other girls?"

"They're OK, I guess," she sighs. "They don't really say much to me anymore, and when Veronica's around they kind of huddle around her and give me weird looks. Nothing too bad though."

"I don't understand why they don't like you anymore. Last time I checked, you were little miss popular in that group," I respond, confused.

"I was, until I stepped into the role of Swan Queen. It didn't go over too well with Veronica. I don't know what she expected, though. I mean, I _was_ your alternate. The other girls slowly stopped talking to me as well." She doesn't seem to concerned with this.

"That's terrible, I'm sorry," I say softly, truly feeling bad. I know how it feels to be the outcast. "They shouldn't have done that to you."

"They also didn't like what I had to say about you." She looks at me calmly, waiting for my reaction to her comment.

Now I'm anxious. "What did they say about me?"

"Well," she says dramatically, "I think all the soloists were bitter about how phenomenal you were as Swan Queen. The things they said were," she pauses awkwardly. "...not nice. I'll spare you the bloody details." She observes me, waiting for my reaction.

"What did you say to them?" I ask, too quickly. Do I want to hear this?

"Well I defended you. I said they had no fucking clue what they were talking about, and that you're a better ballerina than all of them combined." She pauses, and then remembers something else. "Oh, and that when you get back, you'll definitely get all the leads. Veronica didn't like that one," she laughs.

I'm shocked. "You said that for me?"

"Well yeah," Lily says, looking mildly insulted. "You're amazing, and well, I feel for you." She looks like what she just said is just no big deal at all. I think it is, and I'm sure my face shows it.

"Umm, thank you," I say, awkward.

Her eyes are penetrating, looking deep into my soul, and making me react in a way I wouldn't expect. I feel uneasy, jittery, and a bit overheated. Lily makes me crawl out my skin.

Her voice becomes slightly lower. "No need to be embarrassed. It's true."

Oh my God, what do I say? What do I say, what do I say? Even as I panic, though, I can't look away from her eyes. They're so deep, so intense. There's so much in Lily's eyes that I don't understand, and I _almost_ want to know.

She takes pity on me, breaking our eye contact and smiling. "I'm glad to see you're back, though. It's just, I don't know, when I think of this studio, I think of you. It's weird that you're not here. I mean, who am I supposed to compete with?"

My eyes go wide and dart sideways. I want to get away immediately. Why would she say that?

She sees my reaction and quickly adds, "Oh, that was a joke! Calm down. And anyway, I know you'd beat me." She reaches out to touch my arm. I jerk away.

"I've got to go. I have to run an errand, and my mom..." I trail off.

"Still on your dick?" She asks, casual.

"Um, yes, you could say that." As much as I don't want to talk to her, Lily is funny sometimes. It's quite hard to suppress my smile at her jab at my mother. I'm such a bad daughter.

"OK, well it's really good to see you. Maybe we could do something soon? Dinner or drinks? I promise, no slipping anything in your drink," she asks, looking anxious and hopeful.

"Sure, I'll let you know," I say, lying. I'm not going to let her know.

And she knows that I'm lying, "No, I'm serious, let's go out. We can start fresh. I really do want to be your friend." She looks at me earnestly, and I can't help but wonder what this beautiful girl wants with me, plain Nina.

"I'll let you know," I repeat, ready to end this conversation.

She senses the dismissal in my voice. "Alright. You still have my number?"

"Yes."

"Ok, later Nina," she finally says, stepping away. I can't read her right now. Her face is blank.

I don't respond to her goodbye and turn to the exit, trying not to run out. The second I'm away and out of her sight, I stop and rest my head on the wall, closing my eyes. That wasn't so bad. She was nice, I didn't fumble over my words, and she let me leave when I started to feel like it was too much. I leave the building, not really intending to go home. I have no desire to be around my mother right now, especially not when I want to think. I need to think about what Thomas said about letting myself go, and my future in ballet.

Oh, who am I kidding? A ten minute conversation, and I'm already forgetting about my entire day before it took place. I cross the street, heading to Starbucks. Focus, Nina. Focus on your future.

You know, it's interesting when people have names that you wouldn't expect. I know her name is Lily, which is pretty, but she really strikes me as more of a Jade. Something exotic...


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Hello everyone! It took me awhile to update, but this chapter is long so I hope that makes up for the delay. Oh, and I'd like to thank everyone that's reviewed and messaged me! It means a lot.

There are a few things I want to say about this chapter. **1.** I'm from New York, I love New York, so don't get offended when I write something about it later. **2.** I'm having difficulty figuring out where to go with Nina's mental condition. I want it to be realistic, but this is a Lily/Nina story, plain and simple. I'm not delving into it too much right now, but I'm not dropping the subject either. **3**. Let's talk about Veronica. Yes, she's a bitch, and everyone's writing her that way. I wasn't writing her like that for no reason, though. I truly believe that Veronica would be horrible when Nina came back. She was a nasty bitch to begin with, then she had a problem with Nina, and then she had to watch Nina nail the part and then Lily take over, when she thought it should have been hers to begin with. Then she had 2 months to stew in it, and when she finally sees Nina, Thomas is practically molesting her, and most likely giving Nina back the part because of sex. I think Veronica would hate her. **4.** I know that they weight like 90 lbs, so 5 drinks would put them in the hospital. I'm ignoring that for the sake of the story.

OK, enjoy!

...

It's been four days since my first time back at the studio. I've gone back only two of those days, trying not to work myself too hard. The last time I went in, Thomas actually practiced with me. Despite whatever has taken place between us, I respect Thomas as a director and choreographer. I know he's talented, brilliant actually. I also know that he sees something special in me, and he's made it clear to me that he wants that something to be what drives me when I dance. He says that that is where my passion lies, and I need to access it.

I understand passion, even if he doesn't think so. I've always had intense feelings, regardless of my attempts to restrain them. Unfortunately, they manifested themselves in strange ways, such as my obsessive compulsions. Since I woke from my coma, though, they've been breaking through like crazy, and in ways that I'm not used to. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and rage can overtake me quite easily. Just looking at my mother sometimes makes me so angry that I have to go for a long walk to calm down. I need to move out, but I know that realistically, that's not an option for me right now.

The strongest feeling I've had recently, though, is lust. I feel it constantly, as if I'm perpetually turned on without meaning to be. Sometimes I look at someone even mildly attractive, and my thoughts automatically turn to myself and that person, sweaty and tangled in bed sheets. I'm good at ignoring it most of the time, but my dreams are out of my control. I'm always having sex with a faceless, amazing lover. If it's not a sex dream, though, it's a dream about some kind of pain being inflicted on me. My dreams are so vivid that it scares me. Could they be hallucinations? I don't think they are. Sometimes I know that I'm dreaming, and Dr. Bell told me that a person experiencing hallucinations has no idea that it's happening.

Actually, Dr. Bell has told me a few interesting things lately. I haven't been experiencing all of the... _issues _that I was having leading up to _Swan Lake_. While my dreams can be scary and vivid, in reality I seem to know what's actually happening. If I am hallucinating, it's not about anything noticeable. I don't think I am though.

I've been improving, and I've only recently revealed to Dr. Bell that I'm not taking my medication. She's been attributing my progress to that, so she was shocked, to say the least. Now that I don't have a real diagnosis, I'm being told that I experienced a "Brief Psychotic Disorder." Apparently I don't qualify for Schizophrenia because my symptoms haven't lasted for more than six months. Dr. Bell has been pushing this theory even more since I explained to her that I've always had neurotic tendencies, but the hallucinations only started recently. The one thing she's maintained this whole time, though, is that my episode was triggered by outside stressors. We've been focusing a bit more of coping skills now, and I'll probably start seeing a therapist soon.

The only mental issues I really have right now are the memories of what I believed happened. I remember how scared I was, and how it felt to be so... deranged? Sick? Psycho? Whatever it was, feeling it isn't pleasant. Well, I only feel it if I'm asleep, and when I'm awake I just remember it. It can be... disorienting. Maybe it's the dreams that are making my emotions so hard to keep hold of when I'm awake.

This is all so confusing. It makes my head hurt.

I try my best to ignore any memories from before, but in doing so that means that I have to assume that none of it was real. If none of it was real, then I have to let go of some of the grudges that I hold, due to those memories.

I'm talking about Lily, of course. When am I ever not talking about Lily? I'm just as fixated on her as I've always been, but now it's different. Now I know that she's not what I thought she was, which makes her even more interesting to me. Why her? Why was she the target? So she's a free spirit, relaxed, and sexy. Everyone in the world is all of those things compared to me.

And yet, for some reason I feel drawn to her. I haven't seen her since that day at the studio, but she hasn't left my thoughts. All I can do is pick apart my relationship with her.

_Why does she like me so much?_

_Do I crave time with her or dread it?_

_Why am I obsessed with her?_

_What do we have in common?_

_How are we different?_

_Why am I __**obsessed**__ with her?_

I know the answer to the most important question though.

_Do I have any right to be upset with her? _

No. I don't. And that's why I'm sitting in a trendy restaurant in the Village, waiting for her to arrive. She's extremely late, and I left my phone at home, so I can't even call her.

The decor of the restaurant is quite nice. The large, ornate room is decorated in golds, reds, and other rich, warm colors. It had a distinctly vintage style. I'd guess maybe the 1920's. Our table it a small, rounded booth. It's cozy, which I love.

Just when I'm starting to think that I'm getting stood up, I see Lily. She nearly sprints to the table.

"Hey! Sorry I'm late," she says, out of breath. She pulls her ear phones out. "My fucking roommate cornered me when I was walking out the door, and then I couldn't get a cab, and _then_ we got stuck in traffic. I tried calling you but you didn't pick up.

She's she sits down, still panting. "I need to catch my breath, I'm dying here. Can I try that?" she asks as she reaches for my drink. I sit silently as she takes a drink, and then her face becomes amused. "Seriously?"

"What?" What did I do?

"It's virgin," she states, as if that's the obvious answer.

"Well yeah, I really shouldn't drink. I don't handle it well, like you do. Remember last time?" I don't think she even knows the half of it.

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, last time you were also rollin on ecstasy. There's a big difference. All you have to do is pace yourself."

"I know, but..." I trail off. I don't have much of a defense.

"Oh, Nina," she sighs. "I thought we'd already been through all of this."

I don't comment, and she sighs again. "Fine, whatever. That's your choice. _I_, on the other hand, plan on getting just a _little_ bit hammered." She looks over the menu, scratching her chin. "Hmm... I wonder what a _Leg Spreader_ is? Sounds fun," she smiles.

I stay silent, not sure what to say to that. Whenever I'm unsure of what to say, I find that staying silent is the best thing to do.

Lily finally looks up from the menu. Her eyes seem playful. "Maybe I'll try that later. I'm thinking _Sex on the Beach_. Who doesn't love sex, right?" She's looking at me, smiling in a way that makes me think she's trying to push my buttons.

I can play back. "...Or beaches?" Well, I tried.

Lily seems to think it's funny, throwing her head back when she laughs. "Good one."

Our waiter approaches. He's handsome, probably in his mid twenties. I'm sure he'll just love Lily.

"Hello, my name is Dominic. I'll be serving you tonight. Can I get you a drink as well?"

Lily looks up at him. "Yes, I'll have a _Sex on the Beach_. And add an extra shot please?"

He seems speechless for a moment. "Sure, are you ready to order ladies?"

"I need another minute. Nina?" She looks back at me.

"I'll wait."

"I'll be right back with your drink then." His eyes linger on Lily for a moment, which is long enough for me to change my mind.

"Wait! um, I'll have..." I grab the drink menu, trying to find something quickly.

"She'll have a _Leg Spreader_," she orders, and I look up.

"Yes," I agree. She's staring at me.

"Absolutely." Dominic leaves, and Lily says nothing.

I feel the need to say something. "These waiters when we go out, they're all so," I search for the word. "...friendly."

"Yeah, probably because they're trying to figure out which one of us they'd rather fuck."

I choke on my drink, surprised at how casually she said that. Not that I _should_ be surprised.

"Nina, you've gotta lighten up. I talk about sex and I like to curse. You _know_ that," she sighs. "Let's practice. Repeat after me. _Fuck_." She says the word slowly.

I roll my eyes, hiding my discomfort. "Fuck," I say in an exasperated tone.

"Shit."

"Shit," I repeat.

"Mother fucking goddamn cunt." She annunciates this precisely.

"Lily!" I laugh, glancing around.

"Say it," she dares me, grinning as she leans into me.

"Mother fucking goddamn cunt," I say, staring her straight in the eyes.

"Ok, last one," she lowers her voice, not breaking eye contact. "I want you to fuck me. I want you to bend me over and lick my pussy until I come in your mouth."

I blink, stunned. Is she coming on to me? Does she really want me to say that? My face must show the panic I feel.

She laughs and slaps my arm. "I'm kidding! I didn't think you'd go for that one."

I'm still speechless. Why am I freaking out? She's joking. Of course she's joking.

Lily looks down at the menu again. "So, what are you thinking? I'm starving so part of me wants to order a 12 oz. steak. Ooh! How about we do a few appetizers and share? Drinks and appetizers go very well together." She looks at me, smiling enthusiastically.

"Ok. Maybe the steamed artichoke?"

She snorts, "Try fried calamari."

I shake my head sadly. "I'm going to be five pounds heavier when I leave here."

Lily laughs, not looking up from the menu. "Don't even worry about it, curves are hot."

...

"So," Lily says, dragging the word out in an exaggerated way. "Now that we're on our second round of drinks, I think we can start delving into our deep dark secrets." She grins at me.

I only feel slightly buzzed, so I know that's not a good idea. She probably doesn't realize how dark my secrets really are. She doesn't need to know how truly messed up I am.

Lily waits for a moment, clearly expecting me to say something. When I do nothing but fidget nervously, she seems to realize that it's up to her to start this conversation. "So what's the deal with your mom? From the outside it looks like an extreme case of babying, but there's gotta be more to it than that, right?" She looks at me questioningly, not even looking down as she spears and eats a piece of calamari. That looks so good.

I try and speak casually, hoping she won't read too much into my tone of voice, which is strained.

"Well," I take a drink. If this topic is any indication of how the conversation will go tonight, I'm going to need to keep drinking. "I guess that's pretty close. She's always treated me that way. Like I'm a porcelain doll who's just so..._delicate_." Lily laughs at my expression of distaste. "It's partly my fault, I suppose. I've always let her. I've always played the part that she wanted me to." My voice trails off toward the end, and I look down at my hands, which are resting on my napkin.

Lily nods her head for a moment, contemplating what I said. "But why? I mean, you're an adult now. Who cares what your mom thinks?"

"_I_ do... She's been the only person in my life that supported me unconditionally. I know that she's..." I hesitate, "...flawed. I think she tries to live her dreams through me. She was a dancer until she became pregnant, and she gave up her life to have me. I _am_ her life now. I can't just abandon her." I need Lily to understand this. I'm not sure why, but it feels important.

"OK, I understand. I just think that she's holding you back because you're all she has." She waits for me to look up at her and make eye contact. "You have to lead your own life, Nina. If you want to dance, you can. If you don't, well then you don't have to. You can go out, you can have sex, and you shouldn't have to answer to her, or anybody else."

I don't know what to say, but I'm feeling a bit flushed. It always feels like she's putting me on the spot. Talking to Lily is hard. "Let's talk about something else, please?"

Lily doesn't respond and reaches for a piece of pita bread. She uses it to scoop some dip. Her eyes roll back as she chews, a look of complete ecstasy gracing her face. She's just so beautiful... I can't stop staring.

"God, this dip is heaven. Have you tried it?" She holds out a piece of bread with dip, smiling enthusiastically.

I shake my head a bit. "Actually, I don't think I should-"

"Stop it, Nina," she interrupts. Her face doesn't hold room for argument.

"OK, fine," I sigh. She looks at me expectantly as I take the tiniest bite I can. As soon as it hits my tongue, I can't help but moan. "Mmmmm... that's so good."

I scarf down the rest and start to reach for another piece. This is so embarrassing. I don't want Lily to think I'm a cow, but I can't just have one bite of that and be done. Before I reach the plate, Lily slides it out of my reach.

"Repeat after me," she commands seriously. "Mmmm... that is so _fucking_ good."

This is becoming a bit much, but I don't want her to get bored with me. "Mmmm... that is so fucking good."

"Good girl." Her grin is infectious, and I have to look away for a moment to compose my face.

"Is it my turn to ask a question?" I ask. Lily nods. "Why did you leave San Francisco? And how did you end up here?" I really know nothing about Lily, but if feels like she knows so much about me. It isn't fair.

"Well, I left because there was nothing for me there. My family is basically non existent," she says in a casual way that makes me think she's hiding how she really feels about that. "The friends I had were nothing more than people to go out and party with... Except for Ashley."

She stares off to the side for a moment, looking lost in thought. I wonder who Ashley is? I stay silent, waiting for her to continue.

She snaps out of it. "Anyway, I was living with my boyfriend when I found out he was dippin it elsewhere, if you know what I mean." She winks at me. "And by elsewhere I mean his best friend." She adds this on like it's no big deal.

"Oh, that's..." I'm lost for words.

"By the way, his best friend is a guy. I've gotta tell you, I didn't see that one coming, and I have excellent gaydar."

I didn't expect that. "Oh! well that's..." I'm starting to repeat myself. Great.

Lily laughs, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "I'm over it. I didn't even tell him that I knew. I just spent all of my time trying to figure out a plan to get the hell out of there. Then I got wind that there was a spot opening up over here and I begged the director at my company to send me. He did, and here I am." She smiles at me and knocks back the rest of her drink.

"That's interesting. And New York appealed to you that much? I would love to live in California. All of that sunshine..." It makes me happy just to think about it. I always feel better when it's warm and sunny.

"I'm not going to lie, I miss the weather, but I think this works better for me. The vibe is different over here... these are my type of people."

I snort. "What, aggressive, rude, and impatient?"

"No!" She laughs loudly, throwing her head back. She really has such a pleasant laugh. "Well OK, yes, but I think it's all about being fake and real. It's real here, and I like that."

I don't agree with her, but I don't say it. Instead, I finish my drink. "Ready for another round?"

Lily laughs again, delighted.

We're half-way through our third round, and I'm definitely feeling more comfortable. Maybe it's Lily, maybe it's the liquor, but either way I'm speaking more freely and actually having a nice time. I haven't had fun in such a long time. It feels foreign, but definitely welcome.

Lily's telling me the fiftieth outrageous story of the night, but I don't even mind. The stories are entertaining, but even better is watching Lily tell them. Her story telling is animated and definitely exaggerated, but it's truly mesmerizing.

When she gets to the funny part, I can't help but laugh out loud. "No way! Your shampoo?"

"I'm not joking, it was next to the sink! I just pretended it didn't happen and moved the bottle back to the bathroom. He's by far the weirdest roommate I've ever had."

I ponder her words. "Why on earth would anyone ever wash dishes with shampoo? That makes no sense."

"Oh! That's not the worst. This part just skeeves me. Let me start by saying that I'm a freak about tap water. If I'm going to drink it, it _has_ to be filtered. So naturally, I bought a Britta filter."

"Naturally," I laugh, rolling my eyes.

"Well, Rick has a girlfriend who sleeps over the majority of the time. She's nice and all, but at night when they have sex she's _unbelievably_ obnoxious. I'm talking screaming for dear life."

"Oh nooooo!" I cover my eyes, playing scared.

"Yeah, it's like, "Oh GOD! Rick," she yells, startling me. "Fuck, you're so good! Ahhhhhh!" Lily closes her eyes and fakes an orgasm face. Wow.

"Shhh!" I put my finger to my lips. "People are looking," I whisper dramatically.

Lily laughs. "Anyway, he started stealing the water pitcher and bringing it to his room after they had sex, for like, the _entire_ night, which is think i completely disgu-"

"Ladies, can I get you anything?" Dominic has approached the table again. I guess Lily's sex noises caught his attention.

Lily looks at me. "What do you say, Nina?"

I don't even hesitate to answer. "Another round please," I ask politely. "Oh, and make them both _Leg Spreaders._"

Lily is amused by this, and Dominic leave. As soon as he's gone I turn to Lily.

"I think it's you he's after."

Lily shakes her head. "Nuh-uh. It's totally you."

"Do you want to bet on it?" I ask.

"Absolutely. What are the stakes?" Lily thinks for a moment, and then smiles devilishly as she arrives at the answer. "How about the bill? BUT whoever he wants is the one who has to pay."

I laugh. That's a good one. "Agreed. I hope you have enough cash," I grin, taunting her. I really am starting to love drinking. Actually, I love the person that I am drinking.

"Don't worry baby, I'll charge it."

Dominic arrives with our drinks, and once he leaves Lily and I clink glasses, metaphorically shaking on it.

...

We're drinking our fifth round now. I don't think I'm going to be able to stand when we leave here. I'm really too small to drink like this, but Lily seems to have no problem with it. Obviously I have to keep up with her.

"We've gotta stop soon," Lily groans, echoing my thoughts. "If not, I'll probably end up leaving with Dominic over there." She lazily gestures with her thumb over to our waiter.

"Oh, you already know that you lost the bet, huh?" I giggle a bit, and then imitate Lily by dropping my head back onto the booth.

"No, I just know that you're kind of a prude," I look at her, offended. Except I'm drunk so I probably look like that kid from _Home Alone_. "...and I'm kind of a slut." She shrugs.

"I am _not_ a prude."

"Oh really," she drawls sarcastically. "When was the last time you had sex? And you had to be _awake_ for it." I'm going to ignore that last part.

"_Fuck_... I don't know." I see Lily do a little fist pump when I curse.

"That's what I thought. You're not a _virgin_, right?"

"No, but I'm not experienced like you, I'm sure." That might have sounded a bit snotty.

She laughs and rolls her head to look at me. "Did you just call me a slut?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure you called yourself one."

We both look at each other seriously, and then bust into laughter.

"I did, didn't I?" Lily says when she starts to calm down.

I twist my body to face her. I shouldn't do that so fast, it makes my stomach jolt. "Tell me a crazy sex story that happened to you?"

"Ooh, sex story time. I love it!" She perks up at this. She thinks for a moment, but that moment quickly becomes at least a minute. Or maybe it feels that way?

"I'm waiting," I say, drumming my nails on the table.

"Um," Lily looks hesitant. "It's kind of embarrassing and I don't want you to feel... awkward." She says _awkward_ in a dramatic way that only someone who's completely inebriated would use.

"I won't. When I'm drunk I can handle anything." My assertive voice makes me sound like a little kid making a promise that they absolutely cannot keep.

Lily snorts. "Sure you can. OK, well, I was at a bar once, and I met someone that was just soooo sexy, I can't even describe it. Anyway, somehow we ended up having sex in a car around the corner from the bar-"

"Wait, _somehow_? How do you somehow end up having sex in a car?" I can't help but laugh at this.

"I was probably on something. Now let me finish. Anyway, it was pretty intense." She chuckles. "Then they started choking me mid-sex and saying stuff like, 'Oh, you like that you dirty slut? Yeah, you fuckin like that!' I didn't know what to do!"

By this point I'm clutching my sides because they hurt so much from laughing. All night, Lily's been making me laugh. "Wait, so what _did_ you do?" I ask, once I've pulled myself together enough to breathe.

"I went with it," Lily shrugs. "And _then, _I bend my head back," she bends her head back comically and then lifts her head up again to look at me, "you know, because I was lying on my back." She gestures at me in a, "you get it?" kind of way, and once I nod she throws her head back again and continues. "I bend my head back, and that's when I notice that there's a guy a foot outside the window, watching us and _jerking off._"

I hand flies to my mouth in horror. "Oh my God, no! That's..." I search for a word strong enough to describe how repulsed I am. "... Oh my God!" I couldn't think of anything. Now I'm the one talking in an exaggerated, slightly slurred voice.

Lily is dying laughing, randomly choking at different points. I try to pat her on the back, but she gestures to me that she's fine.

"I'd be _so_. _creeped._ _out!_" I continue. The volume of my voice has reached ridiculous heights, so I try and tone it down. "He didn't scare you? Not the perv, the guy you were having sex with."

"No, she didn't," Lily answers when her coughing subsides and she looks at me.

My drunken haze makes it difficult to process what she said. "She di-" And that's when her words sink in. _She_. Got it.

"Are you freaked out?" Lily asks. I realize I haven't said anything.

"No, no! I'm fine. Sorry, I'm just a little surprised. I thought you were straight. You always talk about guys." It's fine, Nina. There's no reason to _not_ be fine with this. Stop panicking.

"Nina, I lived in San Francisco for 10 years. _The_ gayest city in the country. Of course I've fooled around with girls," she says, Oh, of _course_.

"Oh, so are you like," I hiccup, "a lesbian?" I clutch at my chest, trying to calm my breathing. This isn't successful because I hiccup a second later.

"Noooo," Lily says this like the idea is ridiculous. "I've never dated a woman, only guys. I'm not opposed to it, but mostly I've just... you know." She makes an extremely suggestive face at me.

"Licked their pussies?" The words sound harsh to my ears but I really don't care.

Apparently Lily loves it. She shrieks and claps her hands, laughing obnoxiously. Now people are definitely looking at us. "Yes! Yes, I've licked pussy and I like it."

I blow a kiss at the nasty woman sitting a few tables over and glaring at us. It only makes her more angry, and I laugh just when Lily scoots over and rests her head heavily on my shoulder. It's... nice. I rarely have physical contact with people. Dancing, sure, but not like this.

"I'm sure you're good at it," I mumble, patting her on the head.

"Oh, right," Lily says, her voice muffled by my shoulder. "I forgot you had a wet dream about me. I guess now I know I was good." I hear the smile in her voice.

Her comment makes me squirm a bit and I readjust, gently pushing her off of me. I roll my eyes. "It was just a dream. Stop flattering yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, you love me." She's stretching and cracking her neck and back.

I gasp in mock surprise. "How'd you guess?"

"My _fantastic_ gaydar." She winks at me, or I think that's what she's doing. It's hard tell, but it was definitely some funny face.

"Oh right, I forgot."

Lily laughs. "Fuck off."

Don't worry, I will... Whoa. What?

Lily sighs and drops her head back against the booth again. "I'm completely shit-faced." Her drunk face is hysterical. "They make REALLY, really good drinks here."

I think about what she just said. "Where are we again?" I laugh at how stupid I am right now.

"Uhh... Ianelli's?" I guess she's as stupid as I am.

"Oh riiiight." The name sounds familiar. "I definitely think I'm drunk. Fuck," I slap my forehead and I'm sure Lily's smiling at my use of _fuck_. "I really don't want to see my mom."

Lily motions to Dominic for the check. "Don't go home then. Stay at my place." The way she says that makes me feel weird, reminding me of the Lily that tricked and lied to me.

I hesitate, feeling a moment of sobriety. "Honestly, you think I want to listen to Rick's girlfriend all night?" I laugh and hold my breath, waiting to see if she bought it.

She does. "Good point. But you're welcome to stay if you want."

"I really should just deal with her, but maybe next time..."

She looks at me like I've said something that she's been waiting for all night. "So there _will_ be a next time?" Her face becomes serious, and her brilliant eyes pins me to the spot, hypnotizing me.

"Here's your check ladies." Dominic's back. Perfect timing. He looks at me for a second and then hands me the check. "Oh, and I left something in there for you," he says to me quietly, and then he walks away.

The second Dominic's gone, Lily grabs the check out of my hand. "What is it?" Her large eyes are scanning the paper rapidly. Then she freezes, and a smug grin starts to spread over her face.

I groan. "Did I just lose?"

Her smile is gigantic and she giggles drunkenly. Very not Lily. "You _totally_ just lost. I am so good! I am the champion, la la la la la la."

"Well _fuck_," I mutter, making her burst into another round of giggles and add a little victory dance. I take back the check and see his number scribbled under his name. How annoying.

"Ahh, I _love_ the word fuck coming out of your mouth. It's hot."

I finish counting the money and grin at her. "OK, ready to go?"

...

Getting a cab was difficult. Mainly because we were both a bit too drunk to stand. When we finally got one, we practically fell into the back. In fact, we did fall because I hit my head against the other door.

"I had a lot of fun tonight," I whisper to Lily. We're half way to my apartment.

"I know, me too." She's looking out the window, her head resting back against the seat. She rolls it the other way to look at me, and I'm suddenly struck with a vivid memory of us in a cab, her looking at me the same way, and then her hand rubbing me between my legs. I clear my throat loudly. "Are we friends now?" she asks, having no idea about my train of thought.

"There _could_ be a next time," I say quietly, smiling at her in what I hope is a completely friendly way.

Her lips twitch slightly at the corners, and then she sighs and closes her eyes. We stay silent through the rest of the ride. When we finally approach my apartment, I take out money and hand it to the driver.

"Bye, Lily." She looks over at me, just realizing that we're at my place. I get out of the cab. "I'll see you later, OK?"

Lily's drunken, droopy eyes look strangely seductive. "Night, Nina," she says, her voice raspy. She gives me a little wave, and I return the gesture before slamming the door shut. I walk up to the building, and as I'm walking through the door my foot gets caught and I trip, slamming into the door. I look behind me, mortified, but luckily the cab has already pulled away. Thank God.

The knee I just hit against the door is killing me as I walk up the steps. I quietly let myself into the apartment and get to my room as quickly as possible.

"Fuck!" I mutter to myself, rubbing my knee. I see my forgotten cell phone laying on my bedside table.

I take off my coat and flop back onto the bed, grabbing my phone. You know you're wasted when you have difficulty working your own phone. I have a couple missed calls and one text message. I open it.

The text is from Lily, sent three minutes ago: _I saw that :)_

Oh God... I groan, rolling over. My feeling of embarrassment quickly becomes giddy excitement, for some reason. The next thing I know, I'm laughing hysterically. Laying on my bed, drunk as a skunk, holding my cell and laughing like a maniac. Oh no, I'm not crazy at _all_.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Hey guys! This update took forever for me to post, mostly due to the fact that my computer shut down when I had the chapter completed but not saved. Yes, I'm stupid. I had to start the whole thing from scratch (I only write down an outline), and that, combined with starting school, meant that this update took 10 years. Now that I know how to use the Save button, it won't be happening again.

A few notes on this chapter: The story is officially rated Mature. I've read so many stories on this site that have M ratings, all for different reasons. Some were for language, and others had extremely detailed sex scenes. In my mind, M means what you would see in an R rated movie, but I'm not entirely sure about the ratings on here. I want to take the scenes as far as I can without breaking the rules. Does anyone have any advice?

Also, this chapter is skipping ahead a lot and giving us an idea about Nina and Lily's relationship. The next chapter will put us more in the present, and we'll have more time at the studio. Oh, and there's a couple _Friends_ references. I'm not taking credit for any of Phoebe's fabulous quotes.

Lastly, thank you to everyone who has reviewed my story, and I want to say good job to all the author's on here... Even though we're working from a 2 hr movie and not a 10 part book series, everyone seems to be taking their own route and doing something really original. OK, after 4 paragraphs of author's notes, time to start the chapter. Enjoy!

...

I wake, opening my eyes slowly. Daylight is harsh when you've just woken up. Surprisingly, I find that the room is dark. What woke me?

I look around my room, noticing the darker walls and general lack of pink. As I take in my surroundings, I realize that the sheets are different, too. The darkness makes it difficult to see, but I think they're dark colored, and satin. I grope my hand on the night table, looking for my lamp, but I only find candles. As I light one, I vaguely think of a romance novel, but I'm too overcome by the musky scent of the room to focus. This must be a dream.

I relax, sliding back under the sheets. They feel wonderful... decadent. I can feel the smooth sheets against my legs, and I wonder if I'm naked. No, I'm wearing a short, flimsy sleeping shirt and a pair of panties.

I start to stroke my fingers on my thigh. Mmm... My skin feels soft.

I become aware that my body is slightly tense and overheated. I slowly recognize the feeling as arousal... But why? I just woke up... I must have been dreaming about _her_.

I sigh, sliding my hand down my body. I won't be able to relax unless I relieve this tension. My fingers travel into my panties, and immediately I start to moan. I work up a rhythm, focusing entirely on the feelings coursing through my body.

My breathing becomes heavy and my eyes are squeezed shut. It's so hard to not make noise, but I can't... I can't let anyone hear.

"Let it go, Nina," Lily's raspy voice whispers in my ear.

My eyes dart open. "What are-"

"Shhh," she whispers, then kisses me deeply, stroking her tongue against mine. She gives a soft bite to my lip and pulls away. "It's just me. Relax." Her voice is seductive, now closer as she starts to lick and kiss behind my ear.

My eyes shut again, and I realize that it's Lily's hand that's pleasuring me now, and not my own. I groan, overwhelmed by how turned on I am. I can picture what her hand looks like between my thighs.

Oh God...

"No, not God," she purrs into chest. I open my eyes, wondering if she read my mind. She's looking at me, her eyes smoldering. "... Just me." She licks her bottom lip, causing a jolt of arousal to shoot through me.

She picks up the pace of her hand again, and soon my hips are churning in a steady rhythm. All I can do is moan and grip the sheets, Lily's mouth and hand doing wonders on my body.

Just as I feel myself nearing release, Lily's beautiful laugh breaks into my mind and I'm jolted awake. The light in the room temporarily blinds me.

Mother fucker! What woke me up?

"Nina! You have a doctor's appointment in an hour. You need to get up!" My mother yells, pounding on my door. I shut my eyes and pull at my hair angrily, curling up in the bed.

_I hate her. _I have to get out of this apartment soon. I'm going crazy, I can't live with her anymore. I know that she was just trying to help, but I would have gladly missed the appointment to finish _that_ dream. God, that dream...

I sigh, finally rolling out of bed.

...

That wasn't the first dream I've had about Lily. She's been starring in my nighttime fantasies for almost two months now. After our drunken dinner together, I started thinking a lot about my feelings toward her, specifically my feelings about her sexual preference. Initially, I was strangely bothered. It's not that I'm homophobic, but something about Lily being attracted to women gave me an uneasy feeling... Like it was somehow disrupting my life.

Actually, in some ways it was. Knowing about Lily's sexuality made it nearly impossible for me to not think about my "memories" of us being intimate. I think it was because I then knew for sure that she actually _would_ do that stuff. I remember that night so vividly that, if I try, I can pretend that it actually happened. Naturally, my overactive imagination started producing new, high-definition sex dreams every night. All of which featured my new best friend.

Lily actually has become my best friend. My only friend, really. We spend so much time together that it's difficult for me to remember what my life was like before her. No, that's not true. I can remember it, but my life was _only_ about ballet. It was monotonous and utterly forgettable. Now that we're friends, I enjoy everything so much more. Eating has become pleasurable, a first, and I'm slowly becoming more sociable when we're out. My language has taken a turn for the worse, but that's mostly when I'm pissed the fuck off... That was a joke. Not the part where I curse more often, but the cursing just then... Ugh, never mind, that doesn't make sense. Obviously my sense of humor hasn't gotten any better.

Going out with Lily makes me feel alive, like I'm a part of this massive city that's always felt so foreign to me. We never do anything boring. Sometimes we go to dinner, sometimes we go for drinks, and sometimes we go for coffee. We've gone to clubs, museums, plays, and live music performances. We've even gone to a few comedy shows. Lily's always coming up with something new, which makes hanging out with her even more appealing. She keeps me busy and out of my own head. Oh, and my apartment. That's a good thing, because I've decided that my mother is a complete psychopath.

Dr. Karey, my therapist, agrees with me, though she didn't phrase it quite like that. She said, "Nina, I think your mother's behavior suggests that she has underlying psychological disturbances that manifest themselves in irrational, sometimes volatile behavior." She also thinks that my mom stifles me, making it difficult for me to mature and develop my autonomy.

Dr. Karey is also a fan of Lily. It she wasn't, I would probably find a new doctor. She thinks that Lily is good for me, helping me to loosen up and not take myself too seriously. The real concern she has though, involves my dreams. Even though I constantly dream about Lily, I think I read somewhere that the average dream only lasts a couple of minutes. That leaves plenty of time for nightmares to creep in too. The dreams, like my hallucinations, are graphic and demented. Sometimes I dream about what I saw before my coma, but many are new, and by no means less disturbing.

A few nights ago I dreamt that I was screaming uncontrollably and scratching my face, clawing it until I was unrecognizable from all of the blood. People were watching and cheering as I mutilated my face, giving the act a sense of urgency. The nightmare was so real, so frightening, that I woke in a sweat. My pulse was racing, and feelings of perverse pleasure mixed with terror coursed through me. After I realized that I had been dreaming, the emotions started to ebb away until I was exhausted and ready to go back to sleep. Despite my willingness, I wasn't able to fall asleep again.

Waking from dreams and then having insomnia is becoming a pattern for me. I function daily in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Dancing has become more trying, probably because of my lack of sleep, and Thomas's patience and understanding is starting to wear thin. I haven't been progressing, seemingly stagnant at a level of mediocrity. I'm physically recovered enough to dance well, but something is stopping me. Thomas is still going on about my inner passion, but honestly, why would I be willing to "unleash" something that has brought me nothing but trouble? If I just let go and allow myself to give into these dark impulses, who knows what I'll do?

Actually, I know the first thing I would do is find Lily and force myself onto her. That wouldn't be good. Over time, I've noticed how _sexy_ Lily is. I always knew that she was beautiful, stunning actually, but now I'm aware of how attracted I am to her. I can't have a normal conversation with her when she's in a leotard, and if she's wearing lipgloss I can't look away from her mouth. Sometimes, I think to myself _Nina, touch her. She wants you to_, but my insecurity dominates the voice. Even if a secret part of me wants to try something, just to see, I know that it wouldn't be worth losing what we have right now. I know that makes me a coward, but I just can't bare the thought of losing her.

You see, I'm absolutely certain that Lily's not interested in me. The fact that she's attracted to girls actually makes it worse. That lets me know that the problem isn't that I'm a _girl_, it's that I'm _me_.

I can't really blame her for not seeing me like that. I can hardly even understand why she wants to be friends with me. Lily's just so... _cool_. I know, that's a stupid way to describe her, but that's exactly what she is. She's that girl that everyone pays attention to, everyone wants to hang out with, everyone's jealous of. Or the girls are jealous, anyway. And maybe some guys. Even _I'm_ still jealous.. No, I'm not jealous. I admire her. And even if I do want to be like her, I'd rather be with her.

Dancing isn't the only thing that comes to Lily effortlessly. She's comfortable in her surroundings, she's never shy when she talks to strangers, and she doesn't looks down when she walks. Even the way she looks... she's gorgeous, and it's all just natural to her. Yes, she's good with eyeliner, but I'm sure that Lily doesn't spend ample amounts of time grooming and primping. She doesn't need to.

So why am I so sure that Lily doesn't like me? Aside from the obvious part where I'm not on her level, I just don't think I'm her type. There was one conversation in particular that confirmed this for me.

_I looked up from my coffee when Lily's voice trailed off. She wasn't even looking at me. Her eyes were on a girl who had just come into the coffee shop. She was standing by a table, taking her coat off. Her body was... well, it was fantastic. As a dancer, I would never have a body like that, but it was pretty nice to look at. She had hips, breasts, and a tiny waist, all of which were flaunted in a very sexy, very form fitting dress. She was wearing heels, trendy jewelry, and her long blonde hair perfectly complimented her flawlessly tan skin. She basically looked like a Victoria's Secret model. _

_I stared at Lily, waiting for her attention to return to me. When she finally snapped out of it, she turned to me with a grin on her face._

"_Wow," she said, glancing over again. "She's hot... No, she's not hot. She's the definition of hot. Damn." She let out a slow whistle and looked back at me. "Should I talk to her?" She asked me, almost seeming nervous. It would have been cute if I wasn't fuming with jealousy. _

"_I don't know, do you think she-" I stopped talking when a man walked up to the blonde goddess, handing her a coffee and giving her a very wet kiss. Ew. _

"_Well, I guess that answers my question, huh?" Lily laughed, brushing it off. _

_Despite my better judgement, my curiosity won out and I asked Lily, "So is that the kind of girl you're into? Tall, blonde, tan, perfect basically?" I laughed and took another sip of my coffee, playing it casual._

"_Well, I like different types of girls, but yeah, that's probably my type. Blonde and tan makes me think of Cali, you know?"_

_I tried not to let the disappointment show on my face. That became more difficult as Lily continued talking. _

"_I do usually like girls with that kind of style, though. Did you see her body? I love curves...Tits and ass are where it's at," she laughed. "And of course, a pretty face is nice... let's just say that my dream girl is Kim Kardashian." That time she really laughed, especially at the look on my face._

"_She's not blonde," I said pointedly. At that point I was done with the conversation, but Lily was just having too much fun. _

"_She doesn't have to me blonde, she just needs to be pretty and have an ass that doesn't quit." Lily winked at me, and in that moment my stomach churned and I excused myself to the bathroom._

That conversation, combined with the fact that Lily has never said anything to me that even slightly suggested that she's attracted to me, left me with no choice but to admit defeat and get over it.

That was a month ago, and surprise, surprise, I'm not over it. Not at all. Actually, I think it's worse now. I don't just fantasize about having sex with Lily. Sometimes we're talking and I want to just reach out and touch her face, neck, anything. I want to give her little kisses and stroke her hair. When she finishes dancing a particularly difficult piece, I want to run up, kiss her, and tell her how amazing she is. God help me, I want to _cuddle_.

I'm not sure where these feelings came from. Maybe they developed because of the fantastic dreams about her, or maybe it's that indescribable pull that I've felt toward her from the second I laid eyes on her. Or maybe it's just Lily. I know so much about her now. I know that her favorite color is teal, she likes immense amounts of ketchup on her burgers, and she has dozens of Chris Rock standup shows on her iTouch. I also know the important stuff, like what she wants out of her life, and what she values most in people. There's so much that I still have to learn about Lily, but I just know that I want her. _Everything_ with her.

The constant feeling of longing is torturous. When I'm not with her, I'm thinking about her, and at night I dream about her. It's insane, even a little bit scary, how present she is in my life. I feel like she's my girlfriend, which is ridiculous because she doesn't even know I think that, and she most definitely is _not_ my girlfriend.

I really need to stop focusing on this. Since nothing is going to happen, thinking nonstop about my feelings is only going to make it harder to let go. I almost wish I could talk with Lily about this...

Yeah, OK Nina. That wouldn't be awkward at _all_...

...

Lily and I are just coming back from shopping. The stores we were at are nearby my apartment, so we decided to walk back and then Lily will catch a cab home from my place. The weather has gotten too nice to not be outside. Normally, I would be dreading this time of year. When it gets warmer, clothes become more revealing, and my body is on display for all the world to see. I know that I'm small, but... I don't know, it makes me uncomfortable. I'm not really concerned right now, though. I'm too busy appreciating Lily's body to be bothered thinking about my own.

Lily looks so good today. How does she manage to be sexy and cute at the same time? She's wearing black capri leggings, a low-cut white t-shirt, and a jean jacket. Oh, and converse sneakers. Her hair's up in a messy ponytail, and she has on big black sunglasses that celebrities wear to hide their faces. Maybe it's that _she's_ sexy and the outfit is cute? I don't know, but she's pretty great to look at.

Lily asks me for her cigarettes, so I reach into my bag to begin the search. It's become a common occurrence for Lily to not carry a bag, instead just throwing her things in my purse. She's usually not carrying much when she does this, so it's not a big deal. I love it, actually. It makes me feel close to her... Like she trusts me to protect her prized possessions. I find what she's looking for and hand her the silver case.

Lily stops walking and lights a cigarette. We've been walking back for about fifteen minutes now, chatting the whole way. I was just explaining to her that my mother is totally crazy and I can't live with her much longer. She's been no-so-subtly hinting at her desire for me to settle down. She wants me to find a boyfriend and have a _decent _relationship. By decent relationship she means a relationship that's not with Lily. My mother maintains that Lily is to blame for me becoming angry and _wild_. She'll never forget that it was Lily I went out with, that night that I came home drunk and rollin. I really couldn't care less, though. I just hate being around her.

You'd think, though, that my mother wouldn't want me to have a boyfriend. I guess she's realized that she can't keep me locked away anymore. In her eyes, the boyfriend would probably be the lesser of two evils. She probably imagines me getting married, having kids, and then she'll have _real_ babies to smother, and not her grown daughter.

"But why _don't_ you want a boyfriend?" Lily asks as she exhales a stream of smoke. "Guys try to talk to you all the time, I've seen it, and I know you're lonely. You've told me so. And it's not like you're partying it up being single. I don't get it."

Well, Lily, it's because I'm in love with you, and I can't give any guy attention when I feel this way about you... Think, Nina! What do I say?

"I just don't feel like a boyfriend is a good idea for me right now. I have too much going on." That's not a complete lie. "Besides," I add shyly, "It's hard to miss something you've never had."

We arrive at the door to my building, but our conversation isn't really over yet. Lily goes to leans against the side of the building, pushing her sunglasses to the top of her head and continuing to smoke her cigarette.

When I see her eyes, it's obvious that she's surprised. "Really? I never would have guessed that you've never had a boyfriend."

"Why's that?" I ask, nervous. I'm starting to regret this conversation.

"Well, you've never struck me as the type to have casual sex, but you've never dated someone and I know you're not a virgin..." She trails off, letting me finish the sentence in my own mind.

I chuckle. "I can be unpredictable sometimes."

"Yes," she nods her head, taking another drag. "I'm sure that you can be."

We stand in companionable silence until Lily finishes her cigarette and flicks it into the street. "Whatever, don't feel bad. I've only been in two relationships." I give her an incredulous look. She laughs, waving her hands. "I'm serious! I know that's still two more than you, but that's really not very many. I started dating when I was sixteen and I'm twenty-seven now. Do the math." She smiles at me, willing me to believe her.

"That's interesting. Why not? It's not like you don't get attention or you're shy or anything."

"They probably just can't handle the heat that I'm packin," she says jokingly, as if the words came straight out of Joey Tribbiani's mouth. I look at her like she's crazy, and she starts laughing hysterically, eventually calming down. "Actually, I think it's about my personality."

"But you have a great personality!" I practically yell at her. I said that way too quickly and now I'm embarrassed.

Lily gives me a peculiar look and continues. "Thanks, but I'm serious. I'm sure you already know this, but I'm opinionated and I don't feel the need to act like I'm not. Guys, and girls for that matter, look at me and like what they see," she pauses, for some reason interpreting my expression as judgmental. "I'm not conceited! Really, I'm not. I just know that I get hit on constantly and people always compliment me. I mean-"

I cut her off. Her attempts to backtrack and seem humble are failing hopelessly. "I get it. You don't need to keep explaining."

She looks relieved and continues. "Anyway, I think that people look at me and expect that I'm one of those pretty girls with no actual substance. It starts out all flirting and sex, but once they figure out that I'm not going shut up and stroke their egos, they start backing off. Especially guys... I think I intimidate them," she laughs, apparently entertained by the idea of scaring men. "I'll tell you, my mouth is good at turning someone off of anything more with me than sex."

The weather, combined with my present company, has me feeling relaxed, and not watching my words. Without thinking, I chuckle and say, "I don't know, it hasn't turned me off."

The second the words are out of my mouth, I realize my mistake. Oh _GOD_. I didn't just say that. _Please_ let me not have just said that.

Lily stops laughing, her face freezing in a surprised look. I'm talking raised eyebrows and an "o" shaped mouth. I hold my breath, waiting. She finally reacts, after what seems like ages, the corners of her mouth turning up. As a small grin graces her beautiful mouth, she asks, "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

No! What do I say? Jesus, I'm so _fucking_ stupid.

"I just said that type of thing doesn't turn me off," I say, nonchalant. Please let her buy it, please let her buy it...

Of course she doesn't buy it. "Um, _no,_" she says, shaking her head slowly. Her face is perfectly blank now. She's watching me carefully, trying to read my every move. "That's not what you said."

Ok, now I'm starting to move toward a panic attack. My heart rate picks up, and I stutter once I try to speak. "I- I need to go inside. My head hurts... and I have to use the bathroom. And I need to make a phone call. So I'm just going to..." I take my keys out and try to unlock the door.

"Nina, wait, you don't-"

I cut her off as I get the door open. "I'll talk to you later, OK?" I don't even wait for her answer and then shut the door.

I sprint up the stairs, and as soon as I get to my room I look out the window. Lily's still standing in front of the door. Her sunglasses are back on and she's lit another cigarette. She just stands there for a minute, though I'm not sure why. Finally she turns and starts to walk away.

I step away from the window and stare into space. I can't believe that just happened... Then a rage overtakes me and I find myself yelling, cursing, stomping, and throwing things around. I yank my sheets off the bed, break some frames, and fatally injure my rocking chair.

FUCKING _SHIT_! I'm astonished that I could be such a _fucking_ moron! My hand seems to move of its own accord and I slap myself hard across the face. It stings, making my eyes tear, and suddenly I'm crying. The tears pour down my face as my rage subsides, being replaced by abject misery.

Lily's not going to let this drop, I know it. She's going to push me into telling her how I really feel. I can't lie to her, which should be apparent after my fuck up ten minutes ago. If I tell her that I'm in love with her, she'll either be disgusted or she'll pity me. Either option is horrible, and both will undoubtedly mean that our friendship is ruined. How could I have been so careless? She means so much to me, and now the relationship that we've spent months building will be destroyed because of one moment where I didn't watch my words.

I'm still crying, unable to do anything else, when the intercom in the hall buzzes. Sighing, I get up and make my way over. "Yes?" I ask, pressing the button.

"Nina, it's me." Lily's raspy voice comes through speaker. Go _away_ Lily. "I know you don't want to see me right now, but I left my stuff in your bag."

Great. I still have her stuff. I can barely manage to speak when I tell her I'll be right down. There's no way that I'm inviting her up here. She'll never go away. I grab her wallet and keys and run down the stairs, wiping my eyes to hide the evidence of my meltdown.

When I open the door, Lily's standing there looking at me, her eyes full of concern as she takes in my face.

"Nina..." She starts, pleading with her eyes that I listen. Those beautiful, beautiful eyes...

I can't though. "Here's everything," I say, looking down as I hand over her things.

"Thanks." I glance up for a moment to see her gaze focused on my steadily. I can't think when she does that.

"Bye," I say quickly, turning on the spot and slamming the door shut. Resting my head against the door, I sigh.

Fuck, what do I do now?


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: Hello! I'm sorry this update took so long. I've been so busy lately that any free time I have, I probably spend sleeping. This one's a bit shorter, but I'm almost done with the next chapter and I'll be posting it tomorrow. It's about to get gooooood! Thank you for the reviews, and I hope you like this one :)

... ... ... ...

I never knew it was possible to be this miserable. Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of horrible experiences, but nothing compares to this. I've never even felt like this before. I think that I've gotten so used to being happy, or close to happy, that now I don't know how I ever lived without it. So many things are wrong, and it's _entirely_ my fault.

I haven't spoken to Lily since Saturday, the day of my ultimate mortification. In my mind, I just like to refer to it as _The Day_. Anyway, it's Friday now, and I've spent every moment of the last six days missing Lily. I've dreamt about her every single one of those nights, but all of my dreams now are nightmares. Horrible nightmares that make me scared to go to bed. When I fall asleep, it's as if I step into a two hour horror movie, except I would prefer a horror movie. The nightmares are terrifying, partly because when I'm dreaming, I think it's really happening.

All of the nightmares are different, but without fail, I will end up killing Lily in the end. I've stabbed her, shot her, drowned her, and killed her in a few other ways that I don't want to even think about. Sometime I kill her because she's rejected me, but a lot of the time I kill her for no reason. The first two nights, I woke up from the dream and rushed to the bathroom, needing to vomit. On day three I progressed to just waking in a cold sweat and crying the rest of the night, and last night I just laid there, trying not to think about death. I've told Dr. Karey about my nightmares, minus the killing Lily part. She's written me a prescription for sleeping pills, but I'm not going to fill it. My salvation from those dreams is waking up, and I don't know if I could survive sleeping through the night.

Also adding to my misery is my mom. I've been at my house a lot this week, having lost my social life, and my mother could not be more thrilled. She's made me dinner every night, or every night but the first night. I went out to eat by myself, and I regretted it from the moment I sat down at the table. Every other night I've been home for dinner. She hasn't brought up Lily once, but I know she's the basking in the situation. I'm too tired to fight with her, so I just go to my room and pretend to sleep through her incessant knocks and yells through the door.

The only time I leave the house is to go to the studio. I'm training full time now, and luckily Thomas has allowed me to do private sessions this week. I go in before the afternoon practices, getting out just in time to miss the other soloists. I convinced Thomas that the other girls are distracting me, making it hard for me to tap into the source that he so desperately wants me to. I can't believe he actually bought that, but why would he think that I'm switching my schedule to avoid Lily?

I still have no idea what to do about her. She's only tried to contact me once, which is both a relief and extremely disappointing. She called me on Monday, after she didn't see me at the studio. Of course I didn't answer, so she left a message saying that she missed me at practice and to call her. I've listened to that message a thousand times, just to hear Lily's voice telling me that she misses me.

I haven't talked to her yet because I haven't planned what I'm going to say. I have to have a strategy, because it's very easy for me to become a ridiculous idiot when I talk to Lily. Every conversation I rehearse in my head is just as horrible as the last, and I'm pretty sure that they're adding to my anxiety.

Some of them involve me being completely embarrassed.

_Lily approaches me in the studio, a huge smile on her face. "Nina! I'm so happy you're here. I've missed you." She hugs me and pulls back._

"_Lily, I've missed you too," I breathe, elated. "I think about you constantly and cry myself to sleep, thinking about how I've lost you forever."_

_Lily face quickly becomes disgusted and she steps back from me. "Ew, I don't miss you that much," she snarls, and turns and walks away. _

Other conversations are unlikely but still painful to even think about.

_Lily runs up to me and hugs me, and then pulls back to kiss me. It's long, slow, and sweet. When Lily pulls away and looks into my eyes, I can't help but open my mouth and spill my guts. _

"_I love you," I whisper. _

_Her eyes go wide and she lets go of me, backing away. _

"_Lily?" I ask._

"_I don't feel that way. I'm sorry I made you think I did."_

Yes, it's unlikely that Lily will run up and kiss me, but the part where I open my mouth and spew word vomit is very likely. That's what got me into this mess in the first place.

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to avoid her. I don't even want to avoid her anymore, but I'm scared. I'm scared of that moment where I know that I've lost her forever.

... ... ... ...

"Very nice Nina, you really have gotten your stride back. I'm really proud," Lorena says, smiling warmly. She really is very sweet. I enjoy practicing with her a lot.

I've been at the studio all morning practicing, and now I'm finally wrapping up in the afternoon. The soloists will be here very soon, so I need to rush out.

"Thanks," I say as I quickly remove my shoes and pack my stuff. "I'm so glad to be able to dance the way I used to. This whole experience has been extremely depressing." I say this jokingly, but it really is true. My time at the studio since I left the hospital _has_ been depressing, to say the least. "Are we meeting on Monday?" I ask.

"I don't know sweetie, I haven't spoken to Thomas. You should ask him."

"Nina!"

I'm startled by the sound of my name being shouted across the studio. Thomas is standing there, looking just as smug and European as always. His arms are crossed and he's tapping his foot impatiently. Wonderful.

"Yes, Thomas?" I ask sweetly, getting off of the floor.

"I'd like to speak with you in my office."

Shit, I need to leave. Lily will be here any minute. "But Thomas, I really need to-"

"I won't keep you long," he interrupts. His tone holds no room for argument. He turns without another word and strides out of the studio. He clearly expects that I'll follow him.

I sigh in resignation, following him out of the studio. I need to rush this along. How can I do that? Thomas has a tendency to talk endlessly, only stopping once your ears are bleeding.

I enter Thomas' office and find him waiting for me, leaning against the front of his desk. There's a chair directly in front of him, and he gestures to it. "Please, sit." I sit down gingerly, becoming nervous. It's not looking like this is going to be a pleasant conversation.

"Nina, I need to talk to you about something very important." He pauses for a moment, probably just for dramatic effect. "I'll be announcing our newest production on Monday, and the auditions will take place immediately."

I stay silent, waiting for him to continue. I'm not entirely sure where he's going with this. In fact, I have no clue.

"I'm telling you about this because I envision you dancing the lead. It's perfect for you, really."

"But...?" I whisper.

"_But_, I will not be able to cast you with the way you've been dancing these last several weeks. Not only have you lost the fire that made your Swan Queen so enchanting, but recently it's seemed as if you don't even care to dance at all." He looks at me expectantly.

I remain quiet, not sure what to say. He's right. I've been off and I can't figure out how to fix it.

Thomas suddenly snaps, banging his hands on his desk and standing up straight. "Goddamnit, Nina! Do you not see at _all_?"

I shake my head, wringing my hands together.

"I want to show you something." He goes behind his desk and rifles through a pile of papers, finally producing a magazine. He hands it to me.

"Go to page 35," he orders.

I flip through the past dated copy of _Time Out New York_, searching for the right page. Finally I see a picture of myself, dressed in my Black Swan costume. It was taken on opening night. The article is about my one and only performance. I can't help but smile a bit. The article is praising me. I haven't read any reviews of my performance that night, being too scared of what I might find. This is such a pleasant surprise.

"What are you smiling at?" Thomas snaps. "Did you not follow this conversation?" He snatches the magazine out of my hand and reads a quote from it. "_Nina Sayer's performance, while tragic, gave new meaning to the role of the Swan Queen._"

The confusion on my face must be plain. I wish that he would just get to the point. I glance at the clock nervously. I need to _leave_.

"For God's sake, Nina!" He yells, his arms waving around wildly. "Don't you understand? Your performance that night was fucking brilliant. You have the potential to be the best dancer this company has ever seen, but you _reject_ that!" His face has gone totally red. I don't think I've ever seen Thomas this angry.

"Thomas, I'm not rejecting anything," I say quietly, feeling intimidated. "It's not simple like that."

"Well then explain it to me. I'm seeing a wonderful, talented dancer not live to her potential, and I've lost my patience." His voice has returned to a normal volume, but the anger is still very much there.

"I don't really know. I want to be able to dance like that again, but it's hard for me to control. I can't just tap into that."

"Well, you've done it once. You should be able to do that again," he says, seeming a little confused. You and me both, Thomas.

"I don't know, I'll try harder Thomas. I'll practice this weekend, and I'll do my very best at the audition. I promise."

Thomas seeming satisfied with this answer and nods his head. He walks to the door and pauses, his hand on the door nob. "I don't want this problem to continue, Nina. If it does, we're going to need to have a longer conversation in here." He opens the door and allows me to go through, ahead of him.

Unfortunately, the soloists have arrived. They're all standing in the hallway, but I don't see Lily. As Thomas walks out he spies the girls. "Ladies, to the studio please!" Then he goes back into his office.

The group starts walking down the hall, and as I turn to go the opposite direction I hear Veronica stage whisper, "Ooh, I wonder what _they_ were doing?" One of the girls giggles and I'm suddenly filled with anger. I can't control myself as I turn around and storm up behind Veronica.

When I speak, I can barely stop myself from yelling. "Veronica, _what_ is your problem with me?" Some of the other girls turn around and laugh, but they keep walking. Veronica's stopped though, glaring at me.

"What's my problem?" She asks, laughing icily.

"You've always been rude to me, but since I came back you've been downright vicious. What did I do to you that warrants you treating me like this?" I feel anger seeping through my entire body.

She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, looking me up and down. "You don't even see it at all, do you?"

Her voice is quiet, sinister almost. "It's just the way you _are_... You're always so delicate and tragic," she says sadly, her face mocking. "I'm sick of your weaknesses getting you recognition that you don't deserve. The Swan Queen should have been _mine_. I was the best, but Thomas chose you. Why is that? Because you fucked him? Or because you _wouldn't_? Either way, you didn't get it because you deserved it... You got it because he wanted you."

This fucking bitch. "That's not true Veronica. He thinks-"

She cuts me off, rolling her eyes again. "Yeah, I know what he _thinks_. You have inner fire, passion, seduction, blah blah blah. You weren't ready for the role, and we both know it. But you still got it, and now? Now you come back after putting yourself in the _hospital_ because you couldn't handle it, and what happens? Thomas is feeding into your bullshit again."

"He's not feeding into anything," I practically yell. "Any role he gives me is what he thinks I can dance well. It has nothing to do with sex or being_ delicate_.

She snorts, closely resembling a pig. "Whatever you say, Nina. I'd bet money that when he's done fucking you, you'll be out on your ass just like Beth." Her little smirk is the last straw.

"You know what?" I growl, getting an inch from her face. She jumps back a little, startled by my proximity. "I'm sick of your irrational jealousy Veronica. The reason you hate me is because you wish that you have what I have."

"What's that, suicidal tendencies?" She sneers.

"No, talent."

Her face is amazing when I say this, torn between outrage and disbelief. "You _fucking_ bitch..."

I roll my eyes. "Oh what, you can't take what you dish out? That's tough, because it's my turn to say something... You keep saying that the role should have been yours, but it wasn't, so stop acting like I stole it. You had the same opportunity that I did. He thought that I'd do a better job, end of story." My tone is venomous by the time I'm done.

"You're delusional," she sneers.

"No, _you're_ delusional if you think that being a middle school bully is the way to get what you want. You want the lead? Why don't you drop five pounds and go practice in front of the mirror."

Veronica's speechless, her face as red as a tomato. I can't help but laugh before I continue.

"It's stupid of you to spend your time making all of your little cracks about me when you _should_ be working on your form. If you don't like me-"

"You're right, I don't like you," she interrupts nastily.

"Well that's fine, because I don't like you either," I grit out. I can't _stand_ her. "Can't you just give it a rest? We don't have to like each other, we just need to be professional."

Veronica just glares at me, apparently giving me the silent treatment.

I'm over this. I sigh, "Fine, act however you want, but don't expect me to acknowledge your presence anymore. I'm done playing these kid games."

She doesn't respond so I turn and start walking down the hall, to the exit.

As I'm walking out of the studio, I hear my named being called. I ignore it, knowing exactly who it is. _Shit_. I was _so_ close.

"Nina! Hey, Nina!" Lily keeps yelling, her voice getting closer.

I slow down, aware of how rude it would be to not acknowledge her. She's my friend... also, she must know that I can hear her. I guess the avoidance is over. Sighing in defeat, I turn around slowly. Lily comes screeching to a halt right in front of me. She's out of breath, having just ran to catch up with me.

"Lily, hi," I say awkwardly, feeling like more like shy and quiet Nina than I have in a really long time.

"Hey! I'm glad you stopped. If I didn't know better I'd say you're avoiding me," She says jokingly, but I know her enough to know that she's very serious. She wants an answer.

Unfortunately, I don't have one to give her.

"Um..." I can't even look at her. It makes me so sad that I'm this uncomfortable around her again.

She sighs and crosses her arms. "OK, let's just get this over with then."

Oh God... I hold my breath, waiting for her to start the conversation that will ruin us forever. Her eyes are penetrating, never moving from my face for even a second. When she speaks her voice is serious.

"Nina, is there anything that you want to tell me? Anything at all."

I can't respond. I can only shake my head no, clinging to the slight chance that I may not have to tell her the truth.

She continues to look at me steadily, her face unreadable. "Are you sure?"

Is she giving me an out? This small sliver of hope propels me to speak.

"There's nothing I want to tell you." My lie is horrible and obvious, but Lily just nods her head for a second and then glances around, putting her hands on her hips.

"OK, so what were you and Veronica talking about? It looked heated. I need _every_ detail."

Relief floods through my body. Was it really just that easy? Is she letting this go? I want to jump up and down and sing. Yes! Yes, yes! Thank you God. Yes!

"She said something bitchy about Thomas and me, and it just pissed me off so badly that I had to say something. So I asked her what her problem was, and she went on this whole rant about how I get roles instead of her because Thomas wants to have sex with me."

Lily rolls her stunning eyes, and I'm struck by how much I've missed her. "She never has anything new to say, does she? That was more than six months ago. Like, get over it."

I nod my head. "Exactly. I got sick of her shit and told her that she has no talent and if she wants to be Swan Queen she needs to," I pause, trying to contain my laughter. "...drop five pounds and practice in front of the mirror." I smile shyly, waiting for Lily's reaction.

Her face is surprised and then she dies laughing, bending over and clutching her stomach. "Oh... my," cough, "God. That's fucking genius. I can't believe I missed that! Life is _so_ unfair." She gives the cutest pout and I immediately push back thoughts about kissing her.

I laugh, "It _was_ pretty great. If I could've taken a picture of her face, I probably would frame it and put it next to my bed."

Lily wipes the tears from her eyes, calming down. "Ugh, I hate that bitch. I wonder if she'll back off now."

"I don't know, maybe. Either way, I don't really care. I'm going to ignore her and hopefully she'll just get bored and stop."

Lily snorts. "Doubtful."

Suddenly I'm struck with a yawn. I barely slept two hours last night. "I'm so tired," I moan.

"Then I suggest you go home and take a nap," Lily says.

"Why?" I'm confused.

Lily gives me a "duh" look. "Because we're going out tonight, silly. There's this wine and chocolate place that I was reading about and I'm dying to go."

I hesitate for some reason, feeling uncomfortable. "Lily, I'm so exhausted and tomorrow-"

"Is a Saturday," she cuts me off. "You don't go to therapy on Saturdays, you don't practice on Saturdays, and you'll more than likely be with me anyway. Don't be a grandma," she teases, poking me.

"Fine," I sigh, trying not to smile. "What time should I be ready?"

"I'll be at your place at nine."

"OK," I agree. "I have to run. I'll see you at nine."

"K, later Nina." Lily gives a little wave and I turn to go out the door.

"Oh, and Nina!" Lily yells. I stop and turn around. "Wear something sexy," she grins, and then winks at me.

"OK," I laugh, going out the door.

The second I'm out, I break into a run. I need to be ready in six hours. _What_ am I going to wear?


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Ok, new chapter! And it's a day later! I've quite enjoyed having the day off and being able to lounge around and write. I'll be posting the next chapter very soon. Thank you for reviews, and I hope you like this one.

... ... ... ... ...

I stand looking at my closet, completely overwhelmed. It's not that I have ample amounts of clothing, but even five tops to choose from would overwhelm me.

Lily said something _sexy_. Sexy how? Sexy sophisticated, sexy scandalous, sexy trashy? No, definitely not sexy trashy. Lily would never expect that from me. Besides, I don't think anything in my closet could be called trashy. I like to base my style off of Audrey Hepburn. She was just _so_ beautiful in her boat neck tops and pearl earrings... I push apart the hangers, inspecting each item. I just don't think any of these will work.

As I look through the closet, I come across a shopping bag shoved away in the bottom. Oh my God! I'm so stupid. I totally forgot my shopping trip with Lily a few weeks ago. Among the jeans and airy summer shirts, I find a few dressier tops. Excited, I pull the bag out of the closet and empty it on my bed.

There are two going out tops, both of which should be appropriate for tonight. This is like a blessing, _and_ I know Lily likes these tops. After all, she did help me pick them out. I spread them out on the bed, then step back to look them over.

Hmm... spaghetti straps? That one is very cute. It's a salmon pink color and loose flowing, with pretty beads accenting the neckline. The other is a tight, navy blue top with an extremely low scoop neck and quarter-length sleeves. I'm thinking no on that one. Why did I even buy that? I don't have the chest to look good in it. I hope I still have the receipt.

Hanging up the pink top, to get wrinkles out, I contemplate my next step. I now have four and a half hours left. It took me awhile just to get home and pick a shirt, so now I'm panicking a little. It should be fine, though. I need to calm down.

Showering seems like the next logical step, so I grab a towel and head to the bathroom. Once I'm under the hot spray, my mind strays to my conversation with Lily at the studio. She dropped the whole subject of my gigantic slip up on Saturday. Why?

Maybe she realized how uncomfortable I was. Even though Lily and I have only been friends for a few months, she had enough experiences with me before that to catch on to the fact that I'm not good with confrontation. A lot of the time I freeze up and can't even say anything at all. She did witness me telling off Veronica, though. But that was different, wasn't it? That didn't involve anything that really matters to me.

I lather my hair with shampoo, breathing the steam in deeply. Maybe when I said that I had nothing to tell her, she realized that even if I have a crush on her, I have no plans to pursue it. What would be the point of talking about it, then? It's nothing serious. But it strikes me as strange that she didn't tease me. That wouldn't be abnormal at all. Even if there's no point in discussing serious feelings, I feel like she would've teased me just a little bit about what I said.

I sigh, washing the soap out. Maybe she didn't tease me because she suspects that my feelings really are that deep, and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. That theory seems most likely. Obviously she would know that my feelings are serious. Why else would I cry over admitting it and then avoid her for a week?

Shit, she _must_ know.

My eyes tear up a bit at the thought. I don't _want_ her to know. That's so embarrassing. Every time I speak with Lily, she'll probably be thinking, "Haha, I know you like me. You little lesbian!" I'm mortified even thinking about it.

The fact that we're going out tonight means that she's not horrified enough to not want to speak to me anymore. That's a good thing. But that also means that she probably feels bad for me. That's a bad thing. Maybe she just doesn't care? Like it's not a big deal to her. She's beautiful, so all of her friends have probably had crushes on her at some point.

I start to shave my legs, trying to control my breathing. That's got to be what it is. She's just so used to this that it doesn't bother her. Great, now I'm just like everyone else she's known. I'm nothing special to her. But if I'm nothing special, would she still want to hang out with me? She _is_ the one that suggested tonight. Adamantly, too. She wants us to stay friends, that much is clear.

This thought comforts me as I continue my shaving, working on more _private_ areas. Regardless of what's going on, Lily wants to stay friends. I haven't lost her. Maybe I shouldn't read too much into this, then. The result is the same, no matter what the reason.

... ... ... ... ...

I stand in front of the mirror, trying to decide which side to part my hair on. I've just blow dried it, and I'm getting ready to use my flat iron. I now have three hours to be ready. Luckily, my mother isn't home, so I don't need to hide what I'm doing. I would prefer that she not know I'm going out until I'm dressed and walking out the door.

I pick up my glass of Pinot Grigio and finish it off. Yes, I'm drinking. This getting ready process has made me nervous, so I figured some wine would take the edge off. It definitely has helped the situation.

Having decided to part my hair on the left, I return to the bathroom. The iron's hot now, so I get to work on meticulously straightening each and every hair. I've got to look perfect. Luckily, I never process my hair, which means it's nice and healthy and comes out shiny when I straighten it. I can't help but admire my hair as I work, and the anxious feeling that I've been experiencing is giving way to nervous excitement. I can't _wait_ to hang out with Lily tonight. I've really missed her so much.

I wonder what tonight is going to be like. Now that Lily knows about my feelings for her, how will she act with me? Yes, she was casual earlier today, but we were only talking for a total of about three minutes. I'm about to spend all night with her.

A horrible thought suddenly occurs to me. Is she waiting to say something until tonight? Or are we just going to pretend that the whole thing never happened? I'm hoping for the latter, obviously. I just need to remember to stay calm and act like nothing bothers me. I don't know how convincing I would be, but if the situation arises I need to at least try.

I also need to make an effort to not let anything else slip out. It may be easy to ignore one comment about my feelings for her, but if I do it again, I'm not sure Lily will let it slide. That means I can't get too wasted at dinner. If I do, I'll definitely end up telling Lily about my ridiculous fixation on her.

... ... ... ... ...

I sip on my fresh glass of wine as I lay my makeup out on the toilet seat. I guess I should wear light shimmery makeup. That should go with my top. Maybe keep my eyes lighter and put the emphasis on my mouth. But a dark lipstick wouldn't look good with this top, would it? Maybe I should go with lipgloss. I glance at my phone. I have a little over two hours left. Unfortunately, my mother has come home, but I was lucky enough to have taken the wine bottle out of the kitchen before she got here. That's one less thing I have to worry about. Now I just need to make sure that she doesn't see me when I sneak back into my room.

I apply my makeup slowly, my eyeliner taking the most time. Literally, I've been putting on eyeliner for about twenty minutes. Why am I being so crazy about how I look? I never get like this. I always put time in to look nice before I go out, but this is above and beyond my usual. I guess it doesn't matter though, as long as I actually have the time to do it.

Suddenly, I remember that I don't have any shoes that will go with this outfit. I'm so startled by the thought that I poke myself in the eye with the pencil. Ow, _shit_!

I want to wear heels, because what's sexier than heels? But the only heels I have are extremely dressy, since I've bought them for formal events. I wonder what size shoe Lily wears? She has a pair of silver stilettos that should be perfect.

I dab at my watering eye with a tissue, reaching for my phone. Shit, now I'm going to have to fix the liner on that eye. This is going to set me back by at _least_ ten minutes. I write Lily a text asking about her shoes, and then flip the phone shut and return my attention to the mirror. Ugh, the liner is definitely messed up.

... ... ... ...

Lily texted me back shortly after I finished my makeup, saying she'll bring the shoes. That was a relief. I needed that relief because two seconds later I freaked out again.

I realized that I have no idea what I'm wearing on the bottom, having been completely preoccupied with the top. Jeans seem like a good idea, I suppose. Now I've tried on four pair, and I think I'm going to go with a pair of dark, boot cut jeans. My butt looks good in these... Or at least I think it does.

Finally, I pick a lovely bracelet and faux diamond earrings, since I gave back Beth's diamond studs, and my planning is complete. I change into my outfit and finally take a look at myself in the full length mirror on my wall.

I look... _really_, really good. I should look good, though. I've been getting ready for almost five hours. Once I have the heels, the outfit will be perfect. I'm excited, so I can't help but smile at myself in the mirror and then practice different sexy faces. I do have an hour to kill, after all.

I pour myself another glass of wine and then sit down, not sure what to do until nine. Maybe I'll paint my nails...

... ... ...

At five after nine, I get a text from Lily telling me to come downstairs. Yes, it's time! Even after painting my nails, I had thirty minutes to stare at the clock anxiously. I'm up and out of my room immediately, grabbing my bag and a sweater on the way out.

"Nina, where are you going?" My mother asks, coming out of the kitchen. Her voice sounds nervous.

I don't even look up as I answer, too busy pulling the sweater on. "I'm going out to dinner. I don't know when I'm coming back, so don't wait up." I slip on flats and pick up my bag.

"Who are you going out with? You smell like alcohol." Her tone makes me want to stop and yell at her, but I have more pressing matters to attend to.

"I'm going out with Lily, Mom. I'll see you later," I say, opening the door.

"But Nina-"

"Bye!" I cut her off, slamming the door behind me. I rush down the stairs and make it outside in record time.

Lily is waiting at the door, looking up at the sky and smoking a cigarette. To say she looks good is a gross understatement. She looks absolutely _amazing_. Her dark, shiny hair is loose and wavy, and her heavy eye makeup is even more pronounced than usual. Her legs are bare, which is daring because there's a definite breeze, and she has on very sexy black heels. She's wearing a light sweater that makes it difficult to see her full outfit, but I can tell that the dress she's wearing is tight and black, and it stops a few inches above her knee. The neck is unusually high for Lily, but I pay little attention to that. I'm too mesmerized by how beautiful she is, and by the large smile that's spreading across her face.

"Nina! You look amazing," she gushes, coming up to hug me. Huh... we don't usually hug.

I pull back and look at her outfit again. "I look amazing? I don't look good enough to even be seen next to you right now," I say, giggling.

"Whatever you say, Nina." Lily rolls her eyes and flicks her cigarette into the street. "Here, I brought the shoes." She pulls the silver heels out of her bag and I change into them, stumbling a bit in the process.

"Have you been drinking?" she asks, amused.

"Just a little bit," I say, stretching the word out to sound more like "_leeeetle _bit."

Lily laughs, throwing her head back. "You kill me. Are you ready to go?"

I nod, putting the flats in my bag. I follow Lily to the edge of the sidewalk and watch as she hails for a cab. Tonight should be interesting.

... ... ... ... ...

The restaurant, Ayza, really is a wine and chocolate bar. It has full menus of both. There's also food, but apparently we're here to just drink wine and eat chocolate. I'm glad I had that ham sandwich before.

You know that plan to not get wasted? I don't know how that's going to work out. The second our waiter got to the table, Lily ordered a bottle of wine for us to share. I think it's called a _muscat_ wine. Whatever it is, it tastes lovely. We're pacing ourselves, which is good, but I'm still getting pretty drunk.

"Lily, I feel like being friends with you has made me an alcoholic," I laugh, popping a piece of white chocolate in my mouth.

She laughs too, which is great because her mouth is shoved full of chocolate. It's hard to understand her when she speaks with her mouth full. "We drink a lot, but you're good because you don't drink on your own," she disagrees. Once she's finally swallowed, she laughs again. "Oh wait, I forgot that you had a few glasses of wine before I got to your place. I guess you _do_ have a problem."

I roll my eyes, "I was just trying to relax."

"Why did you need to relax?" She asks curiously.

I'm so bad at keeping my mouth shut. "I was just having anxiety about what to wear, and looking nice and everything," I lie. Well, maybe not lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth.

"Well, you did well," she says, her voice raspy. Her eyes take in my face and body before she continues. "You look really, _really_ hot tonight. "

I choke on my wine at her words. Lily simply laughs and looks back at the chocolate, picking up another piece. Really smooth, Nina. She was just giving you a compliment.

"I have to run to the ladies room. I'll be right back." Lily gets up, smiling. She walks away to the bathroom, and that's when I first realize exactly what she's wearing. She'd taken her sweater off only when we got to the table, so I never got a look at the back of her dress. Or where the back of her dress would be if there was one.

The entire back of the tight black number is cut out, leaving her bare all the way down to her lower back. It's enough to make my breathing stop as I watch her walk away. I only regain my head once she's out of my sight.

I've seen Lily in revealing leotards, but nothing like this. I've never noticed the smooth lines of her shoulder blades and back, or how beautiful and tan her skin is. My face quickly turns hot and I squirm around in my seat, feeling turned on just thinking about how Lily's dressed. I'm such a horny slut! Stop it, Nina. It's a dress. She's wearing a dress, it's not a big deal.

Lily finally returns to the table and her eyes are playful, almost mischievous. "What are you thinking?" she asks.

I really need to work on controlling my facial expressions. They give me away constantly. "Oh nothing, I'm just feeling kind of buzzed." She gives me a skeptical look. "OK, a lot buzzed."

She leans forward across the table and whispers, "Me too."

We both giggle a bit and I refill our glasses. "I've missed you, Lily. My life isn't fun without you in it," I whine.

"Well, all you've gotta do is answer your phone, and we won't have that problem any more." She smiles and clinks my glass.

Time to change the subject. "So Lily, I want to talk to you about a problem I'm having." Lily's face quickly becomes serious and she nods her head, waiting for me to continue. "Thomas is announcing the new show on Monday and he thinks I'm perfect for the role."

"That's great!" She says enthusiastically.

"No, that's not what the problem is. He says that my dancing has sucked lately and I won't get the part unless I fix it. He even said that if I don't get it together, he's going to need to have a longer talk with me."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Lily asks, taking another drink.

"I think it means that if I don't improve soon, he's going to ask me to leave the company," I say quietly.

Lily's eyes go wide and she shakes her head. "No way! He can't do that. You're the best dancer there! And after everything you've been through, and your performance..." She shakes her head again.

"I know, but I think he _can_ do that," I disagree. "I've been back long enough now that no one can say he wants me gone because of my injury. This is about my lack of motivation."

"Do you _have_ a lack of motivation?" she asks.

I hesitate. "Something is holding me back. I can't explain it, but I feel incapable producing the emotions that I need to dance. I've lost something, but I don't think it's motivation." I look to the side at the people sitting around us. When I look back at Lily, I find her staring at me intently.

"Maybe you need a break, Nina. You were back at the studio immediately, and you really didn't give yourself any time to recuperate. Not physically or mentally."

But... "I had enough time, my doctors approved of me going back."

"I don't think so, Nina. That studio, Thomas in particular, made you a kinda crazy. Then after you got out of the hospital, you jumped right back into the whole thing. You've obsessed over getting back to where you were, and you've been dealing with the girls being bitches and Thomas barking orders at you. You're probably having crazy anxiety and it's affecting your dancing." Lily makes it all sound so simple. Is she really that smart? Or is it obvious and I'm too stupid to notice?

"I don't know..." I trail off.

"Look, all I'm saying is that you should think about it. That place has proven to not be good for you, so breaks are important." Lily's phone rings as she finishes speaking. She turns her attention to her bag and pulls her phone out. She reads what I'm assuming is a text, and she chuckles a little before answering and putting her phone away. "Sorry about that," she smiles, turning back to me.

"Who was that?" I ask awkwardly, not looking at her. _Why_ am I asking her that? It's none of your business, Nina.

Lily doesn't respond so I look back at her. She's watching me, smirking slightly. "It's no one," she finally answers, and then adjusts herself in her seat. I can tell she's crossing her legs.

As Lily places the last chocolate in her mouth, I feel her foot brush against my leg. It stay there for a moment, and then I can't tell if I'm imagining that she's lightly rubbing her leg against mine. If she is... No, she's not. Stop being ridiculous, Nina.

Lily's sexy voice bring my attention back. "You know, Nina," she says, wresting her chin on her palm. "... I've missed you a lot too. We're so close now, and no matter what, I don't want to lose that." Her leg is definitely rubbing against mine. What the fuck is going on?

"I don't want to lose that either," I say, my face going red.

She looks at me silently for a moment. "You're cute when you blush," she says, so quiet that I'm not sure if I heard her right.

Our waiter walks up at just that moment. "Can I get you anything else?" he asks, practically drooling on Lily.

"We'll take the check please," Lily says, not looking away from me. She has a small grin on her lips, and the second the waiter's gone she asks, "You want to go back to my place? I have more wine." She smiles at me, clearly trying to tempt me with the prospect of more alcohol.

What's going on right now? It feels like Lily's flirting with me, but I'm also drunk and in love with her, and therefore very capable of imagining the flirting. Plus, I do have a history of hallucinating.

Regardless of what's going on, I know my answer immediately. "Sure, I'd love to," I say, smiling.

"Great," Lily says, putting her credit card in the check presenter. "My treat tonight, OK?"

"But-" I start to argue, but our waiter is walking by and he grabs the check out of Lily's outstretched hand without stopping. "Alright, well I have next time," I sigh.

She laughs and we sit silently as I finish my wine. I feel extremely warm and relaxed... That's a good thing, because I would probably be freaking out right now. I'm going back to Lily's apartment. I've never been to her apartment. Is she flirting with me? Seriously, what's going on?

I barely notice the check being returned, and Lily finishes signing the receipt quickly. "OK, let's go!" She says excitedly, jumping out of her chair.

I watch Lily's bare back as she turns around to grab her stuff, and then divert my eyes when she turns back. We finish getting ready at the same time, and Lily grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. As she's pulling me to the door, my heart is beating a mile a minute... I have no idea what's going to happen now.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: And another chapter is up! This came quickly because I've actually had the majority of this written for a few weeks now. Finally, the time has come to share :) Thank you for reviews and I hope you like this chapter. It's basically what we've been waiting for! Updates will be a bit slower now that the work week is back again, but I'll try my best to not make it too long. Enjoy!

... ... ... ...

The ride to Lily's apartment was fast, and before I knew it Lily was letting us into the building. God took mercy on my high-heeled feet tonight, so there was an elevator to take up to her seventh floor apartment. Lily is unlocking the door to the apartment now, and I'm trying very hard to control my breathing.

The cab ride was long enough for me to think over my current situation. Lily is bringing me to her apartment for the first time, on the first night after me telling her that I like her. We've been drinking, she's been flirty and touchy, and all signs are pointing to Lily coming onto me. I know logically that this theory makes the most sense, but months of telling myself that Lily's not interested is making it hard for me to swallow it.

Lily leads me into the dark apartment, telling me to watch my step. She finds the light switch and the apartment is suddenly illuminated. We're standing in the kitchen and I can see the living room from here. It's cute... Not very big, but that's not surprising. This is Manhattan, after all. There isn't a distinctly feminine or masculine vibe to the decor. It's neutral and cozy, but not frumpy.

"Fucking shit, Rick's home," Lily grumbles, spying his keys. "That dick told me he would be gone tonight. I really don't want to see him." She's removed her sweater again and I have a wonderful view of her smooth back as she searches in the fridge. "You want white? I don't see any red bottles and this Chardonnay is already chilled." She turns back to me with the bottle in her hand, her face expectant and drunkenly adorable.

It takes me a moment to form my words. "Uh... Yes, Chardonnay is fine."

Lily pays no attention to my shy behavior and starts searching for a wine key. "You can sit on the couch, I'll bring the wine over," she says.

I make my way over to the couch and place my sweater and bag down carefully. After I figure out the most attractive way to position myself, I wait silently for Lily to join me.

Why now? Why is she suddenly entertaining the thought of anything sexual with me? My first thought is that this is some type of horrible joke, but I know that Lily would never do that to me. I don't think Lily would ever even suggest anything romantic if she wasn't completely genuine. This thought calms my nerves a bit, but a glass of wine would probably do a better job.

As if reading my mind, Lily comes over and places our glasses down on the coffee table. She then sits down and angles her body toward me, crossing her legs. Did I mention that she's sitting extremely close? We're not quite touching, but it would be very easy to do so. I really hope she can't tell how nervous I am.

Lily hands me one of the glasses and smiles. "So, welcome to my humble abode. It's not as pretty as I'd like it to be, but I'm living with a gross slob so it's lucky that I can even keep it clean." She laughs and takes a sip of her wine.

"I don't know, I don't think it's bad at all," I disagree, sipping at my own wine.

"Yeah, it could be worse, but I would love to do so much more with it. I think pale green walls would be nice, but keep the ceiling white." She glances up at the ceiling as she says this.

"Ooh, I like that. Maybe your next place?"

"Definitely my next place. I don't plan to stay here any longer than necessary. The next place I move, I want to live there for awhile. Like, really make it my home."

I nod, unable to say anything. Lily's free hand has traveled up to take a piece of my hair and twirl it between her fingers slowly. Her gaze has become tender and warm, and I feel my body reacting to it. My heart is beating quickly and my stomach has a strange fluttering feeling. This is really happening. Lily is playing with my hair and looking at me like she wants to kiss me.

I giggle at the ludicrous joy I feel and drop my head onto the back of the couch, smiling at her. She smiles and tilts her head, moving her finger through my hair and then tracing my jaw with her finger.

"I'm not just drunk, am I?" I whisper.

"No, definitely not," she answer quietly, gazing at me steadily.

A huge smile spreads over my face and my eyes shut. I have to soak up everything about this moment. It's perfect. Absolutely perfect. The feeling of Lily's finger stroking my jaw and throat is like heaven.

Suddenly I become aware of a pressing need that makes me frown, my eyes still closed. "I have to go to the bathroom," I whine.

Lily gives a throaty laugh. "Well, it's just right there in the hall. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

I open my eyes to find her looking at me seductively, a slight grin on her lips. I nod my head and struggle to get off of the couch. Lily gives me a good shove on my butt and I'm finally up.

I wobble a bit as I walk to the hallway and find the bathroom right in front of me, the door already open. I lock the door behind me and then stare at myself in the mirror for a long moment before a huge smile spreads over my face and I find myself laughing. Tears start to form in my eyes as I laugh and I rush to get a tissue and dab at my eyes. Can't forget about the eyeliner.

Once I've gone to the bathroom, I wash my hands and then give myself a final look in the mirror. I don't see anything out of place, so I take a deep breath and leave the bathroom, turning off the light on my way out.

I walk through the hall to the living room, but Lily's disappeared, along with our drinks.

"Lily?" I call out quietly, glancing around. I really don't want to wake up her roommate and have to meet him.

"In here, Nina!" Lily's voice floats from a room at the end of the hall. The door is open slightly and I can see a dim light radiating out. I approach the room slowly, suddenly nervous.

I enter the room and immediately want to smile at the decor. It's so... Lily. The walls are a deep purple, and her bedding and accessories alternate between black and shimmering colors like champagne and pink. On one wall is a large print of the glittering ballet slippers and spotlight that decorated the front of my "Get Well" card. The slippers stand out in the low lighting. The room, as a whole, has the feel of a glitzy, gothic ballerina. I love it.

"I like your bedroom. It's very you," I say, continuing to examine the room. It's not large either, but Lily has managed to fit things in that I never would've been able to. In addition to the Queen size bed, vanity table, and dresser, there's a small seating area near the window, consisting of a small love seat and table. How cute. Our drinks are sitting on the table.

Lily is standing, looking out the window. The lighting, combined with her bare back and striking tattoo, gives the impression of a graceful, dark creature observing the world below her. I get a chill, and then the image is gone as soon as Lily turns around, smiling at me. "Thanks, I try. I wasn't supposed to even paint this room so it's going to be a bitch when I move out." Her voice is light but her dark eyes are looking at me intensely. We stand on opposite sides of the room, Lily continuing to watch me as a I grow increasingly more jittery. Why did we move in here? I accidently say this out loud.

"Because Rick came out of his room while you were in the bathroom. I felt like he was about to crash our party so we needed to relocate."

I nod my head in understanding, distracted by Lily approaching me. She walks slowly, deliberately, reminding me of someone approaching an animal that they don't want to scare into running off.

She stops about two feet away from me, and looks steadily into my eyes. I don't blink or look away, transfixed by the pure, stunning quality of her gaze. The sound of her heavy breathing reaches my ears. Or is that me?

"Nina..." she says in a quiet voice, and then takes another step closer to me. She's now a foot away, and my body seems to be reacting to her close proximity. I'm anxious, my breathing erratic and palms sweaty. I know what's about to happen, but I can't bring myself to accept it until...

"Nina," she says again, this time a bit louder. Did I miss something she said?

Lily moves forward a little bit more, putting us dangerously close. I'm having trouble staying still now, just wanting to reach forward and touch any part of her that I can.

"Yes?" I ask nervously.

Her voice is unbearably sexy as she whispers her response. "I'm going to kiss you, OK?"

As the words leave her mouth, a crippling jolt of arousal rushes through my body, settling between my legs. The sensation forces a small moan from my lips, and I can only nod my head quickly, hoping she'll get the message.

She does, and a small smile graces her lips before her hands move behind my neck and pull me forward. All thoughts leave my head at the first touch of her lips against mine. The feeling is indescribable.

The kiss is gentle, allowing me a moment to pull my head together and realize that I'm kissing Lily. _Lily_. Oh my God. Her lips are so soft... At the moment that I think this, I feel the tip of her tongue brush my lower lip and I snap, unable to control myself any longer.

I groan and wrap one arm around Lily's waist, pulling her tightly against me. The bare skin of her back feels like silk under my fingers. My other hand finds the back of her head, gripping her to me as I wind my fingers in her hair. I deepen the kiss and feel another surge of arousal as Lily moans and gasps into my mouth.

We stand there for awhile, slightly swaying and kissing heatedly. Every stroke of Lily's tongue and every tiny moan she makes turns me on more. Then I feel her hands start to move lower and her fingers drift under my top, her blunt nails scraping across my lower back.

I break the kiss and groan, my head falling back. Lily's lips are immediately at my throat, kissing and nibbling at my skin like she's done in so many of my dreams. Her hot breath on my neck makes me shiver, goose bumps raising on my skin.

"Nina," she whispers, my name on her lips sounding like a prayer. "You have no idea what you do to me."

My eyes slide shut and I can barely respond. "I think I have an idea," I rasp out. My voice doesn't sound like my own.

She laughs and lifts her head up, catching my lips in another deep, wet kiss. My body is humming, my skin on fire everywhere she touches me. I _need_ to touch her.

I break the kiss again and pull at the hem of her dress. Lily lifts her arms and the dress is off in one quick motion.

Her body is perfect. Her breasts are small, perky, and firm, and her hips flare out slightly from her tiny waist. She has on a pair of tiny, black lace panties. Nothing in the world is as sexy as Lily is in this moment.

Lily is unembarrassed by her nudity as she runs her fingers through her long hair and takes a step back, biting her lip lightly. She gives me a sexy grin that makes my panties a bit damper and laughs.

"So you want to fuck me, huh?" She teases, backing up toward the bed. "Why didn't you just say so?"

"I thought you knew," I say, mesmerized as she turns and crawls onto the bed slowly. The view from behind is... well, it's enough to give you a small heart attach. Lily's body, her hair, her face, her _lingerie_... I swallow hard and kick my shoes off, moving to the bed.

Lily gives a throaty chuckle and lays on her side, propping herself up on her elbow. "Trust me, if I knew, we would've done this a _long_ time ago. Now come here," she orders, her finger tracing the spot on the bed where she wants me, directly next to her.

I do what she says and imitate her position, our bodies parallel. My free hand finds her side and starts to trace along the curve of her hip, and Lily starts to touch along my neck and chest, running her finger between my breasts and then back up the column of my throat.

"You're so beautiful, Lily," I whisper, unable to stop myself. As I lay here touching her soft skin, I'm overwhelmed by how gorgeous she is. How amazing it is that I'm getting to do this with someone like her.

Lily smiles and leans forward, kissing me lightly. "Don't say that like you're not, too,"

she mumbles against my mouth.

I suck in a breath as she licks down my chin to my throat to my chest, dragging the hem of my shirt up as she does. It's a bit of a struggle to get the top off, but once it's gone her mouth immediately descends upon my breasts. She licks and kisses me as her fingers pinch and roll my nipples, coaxing me into a higher state of arousal.

After several minutes of this torture, she pushes me onto my back and starts to pull off my jeans, not even bothering to undo them. My pants and underwear are gone in a flash, and Lily is positioning herself more on top of me and resting her thigh between my legs. She braces herself on one arm and then uses the other to grab my thigh and pull me closer. The contact is delicious and I moan, pushing my hips harder against her thigh.

Her mouth is back at my neck, kissing and nipping up to my ear. She takes my earlobe in her mouth and bites softly, making me shudder. "Nina," she moans, her voice raspier and more seductive than I've ever heard it. "Nina, you're so _wet_. This is what I do to you?"

As she asks her question, she slides her thigh against me. I can't stop myself from moaning and shifting my hips, rubbing against her and trying to work up some type of rhythm. _Anything_ to alleviate the tension that's making me feel like I might explode. Lily goes with it, pulling my leg tighter around her and moving with me.

My breathing turns into gasping after a minute of Lily grinding against me and sucking at my neck, probably giving me a hickey. The feeling is too good for me to care about that, but I need more. This isn't enough.

"Lily, please," I moan, pulling her face up. Her sultry eyes look up into mine.

"Tell me what you want," she whispers, letting go of my leg and pushing it farther out. Her eyes look down to watch her finger trace it's way up the inside of my thigh, but she stops at the point where her thigh is nestled between my legs and looks back at me. "Is this what you want?"

I nod my head, panting, willing her to move her fingers just a little bit more.

"Say it," she purrs, stroking her finger along my thigh as she waits.

I look her straight in the eye. "I want you to fuck me. Make me come, Lily. Please." I'm not even embarrassed when I say this.

She doesn't respond with a smile or a joke, instead using the thigh between my legs to push them even further apart, and then she slides two fingers into me. My eyes flutter shut immediately and from that moment on, all I can do is moan and gasp and chant Lily's name over and over again in my head.

Lily is relentless, her hand working me into a state of pure ecstasy that I didn't even think was possible. She alternates between sliding her fingers in and out of me, and rubbing circles on the spot that makes my toes curl. All the while, she never stops kissing and licking my neck and breasts.

When I feel her curl her fingers inside of me, the feeling produced makes my body arch off the bed. "_Fuck,_" I moan, gripping the comforter tightly.

Lily chuckles against my neck and whispers in my ear, "Nina, you're so _fucking_ hot... you feel _so_ good."

Her words do nothing to soothe the fire burning in me, and soon my hips are thrusting steadily against her hand. She moves her thigh behind her hand, and the extra force and friction is exactly what I need to climax.

"God, Lily," I groan, tossing my head back and forth. "I'm- I'm going to come."

Lily leans up and kisses me deeply, never stopping the motions of her hand. "Come for me baby... Let me feel it," she mumbles against my lips. Her words push me over the edge and I moan and gasp against her mouth, my body tensing and jerking in that painfully pleasurable way.

As I start to relax, Lily's fingers slow almost to a stop. I only know that they're still moving because of the tremors that haven't completely left my body. When she finally stops, I lay with my eyes squeezed shut and my arm over my face, panting like I just ran a marathon.

Lily is leaving small kisses all over my chest and neck, moving to my face once I move my arm. I slowly open my eyes when she stops and find Lily watching me. The look on her face is playful.

"That was amazing... You're so amazing, Nina." She kisses the corner of my mouth and strokes my hair back. "I want to taste you now." Her grin is the epitome of the word naughty.

I groan, covering my eyes again. "I can't, that was too much. I'll be lucky if I can have an orgasm a month from now."

She laughs and pulls the arms off my eyes. "That better not be true," she says teasingly. "I definitely will not be waiting a month to make you come again."

Her words flip the arousal switch on in me, and I'm once again struck by the urge to touch her, to be close to her. My face must show how I feel, because she smirks knowingly.

"Does it turn you on when I say stuff like that?"

"Yes, I might like a little dirty talk," I say, my voice playful.

"Mmmmm, really?" She grins like the Cheshire Cat and kisses me, only pulling back when neither or us can breathe. "What else would you like me to say?"

I think for a moment and then it comes to me. I know _exactly_ what I want. "I want you to ask me if I want to lick your pussy," I say quietly, my voice low and my eyes unwavering.

A shudder seems to go through Lily's body and she swallows. She takes a moment to answer, clearing her throat and rubbing against me lightly.

"Nina, do you want to lick my pussy?" Her voice is so raspy and deep, and _sexy, _it must have been made to say dirty things like that.

I whimper at her words, rubbing against her unknowingly. "God, yes. It makes me so wet just to think about licking your pussy," I practically beg.

Lily's only response is to groan and roll onto her back. She buries her face in her pillow and I can hear her muffled voice. "I can't believe you just said that. Now I _need_ you to go down on me." She uncovers her face and turns back to me, her eyes pleading with me. "Please?"

I don't need to be asked twice, so I'm up immediately, pulling Lily closer by her legs and kneeling between them. Her face is over joyed as I remove her panties, and then I sit back, taking in Lily. Her naked body is so beautiful it's unreal, almost like she's airbrushed. I reach out and drag my nails across her nipple, watching Lily's eyes shut as a slight moan escapes her lips. I take her hand and guide it up to her chest, resting her fingertips where mine just were.

"Touch yourself," I whisper, my breathing heavy.

Her lips curve up slightly and she follows my instructions, watching me carefully. I smile at her in appreciation and kiss my way down her stomach, moving further down until I get to her pussy. I look up to see if she's watching, and she is. She's propped herself up on her elbows, and her stunning eyes are looking down at me, one hand still playing with her nipple.

The view from between her legs turns me on intensely and I can't wait any longer. I pull Lily's legs over my shoulder and finally taste her. The scent and taste makes me moan, but nothing compares to the feeling I get at Lily's reaction. Her eyes slide close and her mouth falls open, a sound somewhere between a moan and a sigh escaping her lips. It's the single sexiest thing I have ever heard in my life.

She slides her body closer to me, trying to press more tightly against me. I return my focus to giving her pleasure, and soon Lily drops back onto the bed. She writhes around and thrusts her hips erratically as I go down on her, her words turning me on more and more.

"Nina, fuck, _Nina_..." she gasps, reaching down to grab at my hair. Her grip is tight and moving my head is kind of difficult. Actually, that might be the point.

I start up a new rhythm with my tongue, knowing from the first moment that this is what will do it. Lily's hips shoot off the bed and she removes one of the hands on my head to prop herself back up and look down at me.

I look up from between Lily's legs, and the sight that greets me is more erotic than anything in my fantasies. Her face is flushed and her hair disheveled, her chest heaving rapidly as she pants. Her hand is twisted in my hair and look of utter pleasure graces her gorgeous face.

Lily's eyes squeeze shut as her hips churn forcefully against my mouth, the rhythm getting quicker.

"Nina, I- I can't, I'm gonna..." Her gasping becomes loud and harsh and then she freezes. Lily releases a loud moan as she arches her back, and then she drops onto the bed gasping, her body twisting as her heels dig into the mattress.

As she finally relaxes I stop, kissing the inside of her thigh before I sit up. Lily is laying on the bed like a rag-doll, her hair fanning out everywhere as she pants harshly. It's impossible, though, to miss the gigantic grin that's plastered on her face. She giggles and looks at me while I lay down next to her.

"That was exhausting," I sigh, shutting my eyes. I feel Lily move closer to me and wrap her arm around my waist, pulling me on my side to face her.

I open my eyes and stare into Lily's beautiful hazel ones, more at peace than I can ever member being. "Do you want to sleep?" She whispers.

I shut my eyes again and nod. I feel the bed shift as Lily moves around, fixing the covers. "OK, slide in over here," she instructs.

I roll over and move myself under the comforter, relaxing onto the pillows. Lily climbs in beside me and lays down on her side, tangling our legs together. The contact is wonderful and I shift more so that I'm facing her, wrapping my arm around her waist.

"Do we have to wake up early?" I ask, yawning.

"Nope, we can stay in bed all day if we want," she smiles at me, her eyes twinkling. I know what that means.

"Sounds wonderful," I whisper.

Lily leans forward and gives me a soft kiss and then rests her head on the pillows. "Sweet dreams, Nina."

I don't respond as I bury my face in her hair, falling asleep almost immediately.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Hello, everyone! I've _finally_ written a new chapter. It seems that every week I get busier and busier, but hopefully this weekend I'll have some more time to write and get the next chapter out.

I'd like to give a thanks to those who have reviewed my story, and a quick apology for the ridiculously long time it's taken me to respond. Also, I'd like to tell Anissa that I have a special treat in this chapter just for you. I'm sure you'll know what it is when you see it :)

Anyway, enjoy!

... ... ... ...

I slowly wake, keeping my eyes squeezed shut against the bright light in the room. As I lay there with my eyes shut, the memories of last night come flooding back to me. Oh my God, Lily and I had _sex_.

Sex. Lily and I had _sex_. I keep repeating the words in my head, trying to become accustomed to the idea. I can't believe it. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I was doing everything within my power to avoid Lily, dreading her response to my confession of having feelings for her. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I was sure that our friendship was ruined beyond repair. And now? Well, now everything has changed.

Lily likes me. The extent to which she likes me remains a mystery, but there's no denying that she was all over me. Literally. She said that we would have had sex awhile ago if she'd known that I was interested. Lily has actually been _thinking_ about this while we've been friends...The thought makes a gigantic smile spread on my face and I finally open my eyes, ready to face the day.

Lily isn't in bed with me, and for a moment I panic, wondering if I imagined the whole thing. Then I look down and notice that I am in fact naked, and this is definitely Lily's room. There's a small stack of clothes sitting on the end of the bed. I guess they're for me. Lily must have just left for a little bit.

I climb out of the bed, stretching every muscle and cracking every joint that I can. I feel extremely rested, and I realize that I must have slept the whole night... I didn't have any nightmares. Was this the solution to the whole thing? Have sex with Lily and spend the night in her arms? If it is, I'll be making every effort to make sure that I fall asleep with her every night. That's assuming that she'd want me to... No, Nina. Don't make assumptions. They've never gotten you into anything but shit.

I unfold the clothes left out for me, finding a pair of pajama pants and a loose fitting Aerosmith concert tee. Lily really does like a large range of music. Once I'm dressed, I venture out into the hallway to find Lily.

"Lily?" I call out, going into the living room.

I'm greeted by the sight of a man, in his mid-twenties I guess, lounging on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and watching tv. His red, curly hair is messy and definitely resembles an afro. He's also slightly overweight and looks like he could use a nice, long shower.

"Um, hi," I say awkwardly.

"Hey, what's up?" he responds gruffly, not looking away from the screen.

"I'm Nina," I continue, not knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, I know who you are," he says. "Lily left to get food. She should be back soon."

I nod my head, silently praying she'll get back immediately. "You must be Rick?" I ask, not sure why I'm trying to continue this god-awful conversation.

"The one and only," he replies, still not looking at me. After another moment of awkward silence, he adds, "Oh and there's coffee in the kitchen. Help yourself."

I thank him and go to the kitchen to pour a cup. I can't find any fat-free creamers, so I decide to just take the coffee black. I walk back to the living room slowly, sipping on my coffee.

"So," Rick starts, finally removing his attention from the tv and turning to look at me. When he continues, his voice is casual. "Did you two have fun last night? It sure sounded like it."

I choke on my coffee, not sure if I heard him right. "What? You heard us?"

"Yeah, the doors are just really thin in this apartment," he says, acting like it's no big deal. Did he just say the _doors_ are thin? Not the walls, but the doors. Was he listening through the door?

Rick takes my silence as a cue to continue. "Hey, can I ask you a question? I've asked Lily before, but she always just tells me to fuck off. You seem like a nice girl, though..." He trails off, looking at me expectantly.

"What's the question?" I ask, not liking this already.

"When you girls have sex, what exactly do you do? Do you just eat each other out? Or do you like, scissor or something?"

I stand there speechless, amazed at the nerve of this guy. No wonder Lily hates him. Just as I think this, the door to the apartment opens and Lily comes waltzing in, a plastic grocery bag hanging from her arm.

"Hey, you're awake! I was hoping to be back before you missed me," Lily says, smiling as she approaches me. She puts her hands on my waist and pulls me flush against her, giving me a sweet, slow kiss. The feeling is amazing, but I pull away after a moment, aware of the fact that Rick is watching us intently.

"It's fine, Rick here was just keeping me company," I say, smiling sweetly and turning

to look at him. Rick grins.

"Oh, really?" Lily asks darkly.

"Yes, he was just asking me if we like to _scissor_ during sex," I say nonchalantly. She won't react well to that, so I hold my breath in anticipation.

Lily doesn't disappoint, her eyes flashing as she turns to her roommate. "Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me, Rick?"

"What?" he asks innocently. "It's just a question."

"Yeah, a question I've told you a million times to stop asking! Stop being such a goddamn _pervert_." Lily's crosses her arms defensively, a nasty look on her face. Is it inappropriate that I think she looks really sexy right now?

"Jesus, relax. I didn't think it was a big deal," Rick says, becoming nervous in the face of Lily's hostility.

"You know, it's not like I ask _Rebecca_ what positions you guys fuck in," Lily continues.

"Actually, I wouldn't really mind-"

"Oh my God, never mind!" Lily yells, cutting him off. "Just do me a favor and lay off the _fucking_ dick head questions, OK?" Lily turns on the spot and starts to pull me to the hallway.

"Alright, Little Miss Sunshine," Rick grumbles sarcastically.

Lily's only response is to give him the finger on our way out. Once we're back in the bedroom, I sit on the edge of the bed and Lily throws the plastic bag down next to me. She then goes to the dresser and starts searching for clothes.

"I really hate that son of a bitch," Lily says as she pulls out a tank top. She pulls off the hoodie she's wearing and I see that she doesn't have on a bra... Oh God, she's just _so hot_.

Lily puts on the very tight, very small, and very thin tank top, and then slides off her sweat pants to reveal her violet lace panties. I'm so glad that I don't have to hide how I feel anymore.

"Lily, you're turning me on right now," I say boldly.

Lily turns to me with a gigantic grin on her face. "Oh, am I now?"

I blush at her response, suddenly feeling less secure. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Lily seems to notice my reaction and her expression changes. Her smile become softer and she immediately come over to me, kneeling in front of where I sit. She rests her hands on my knees and then moves them apart, positioning herself between my legs.

I feel Lily's arms go around my waist and her warm hands sliding under my t-shirt, finally resting at my lower back. "I like that I turn you on," she says quietly, her voice raspy.

"You do?" I ask shyly. She's making me feel even hotter.

"Yeah, I do. And I want to help." Her eyes are smoldering as she drags one of her hands from my lower back and slides it under the pajama bottoms.

Her fingers immediately go to where I need her, and after just a few seconds of touching me, Lily takes her hand out and pulls at the waist of my pants. I lift my hips, letting her drag the them down, and she throws the pants over her shoulder once they're off.

Lily grabs my hips and pulls me closer to the edge of the bed, spreading my legs wide. She gives me a short kiss and nips at my bottom lip before moving down to kiss my neck and breasts. Slowly, her mouth travels lower, stopping as she arrives between my legs.

"Wait," I say, panting at just the thought of what Lily's about to do. "Rick, he was listening last night. He'll probably do the same thing now and that's really, _really_ creepy."

Lily smirks up at me from between my legs, kissing the insides of my thigh. "I guess you'll have to be quiet then," she murmurs against my skin, then kisses her way to my pussy.

The moment I feel Lily's tongue, my eyes slide shut and I sigh, pushing myself harder against her mouth. Lily holds my hips firmly in place as she goes down on me, clearly knowing exactly what will make lose it.

"Oh, Jesus, Lily... It feels so good," I moan, unable to control the volume of my voice.

One of Lily's hands shoots up to cover my mouth as her other hand travels between my legs, adding her fingers into the mix. She plunges her fingers in and out of me rapidly, her tongue never breaking rhythm even once.

I bite at the palm of Lily's hand, muffling my moans and gasps. My body nears climax as I push my hips off the mattress, breathing heavily and gripping the sheets. For a few minutes I teeter on the edge, desperate for relief from this unbearable tension. Lily must notice that I need an extra push, so she slightly changes the movement of her tongue, immediately sending an orgasm ripping through my body. I practically scream against her hand, my legs shaking from the the intense sensations coursing through me.

Suddenly I lose my balance, falling off the bed and knocking Lily over in the process. Lily never lets go of me, though, and we land awkwardly with me straddling Lily's face. She continues to lick me until my body finally relaxes, then I climb off of her and flop onto the floor.

Lily moves closer to me and I don't hesitate to grab the back of her head and pull her face to mine, kissing her and tasting myself. I find it strangely erotic.

Lily breaks the kiss and looks at me, her beautiful eyes looking even bigger than usual. "Are you hungry?" she ask.

"A little," I reply, thinking about food for the first time today. I guess I could eat something.

"OK," Lily says, getting off the floor and pulling me up with her. "We ate like pigs last night, so I figured a nice breakfast of fruit would be a good idea. This deli around the corner packages fresh fruit every day and it's really out of control."

I put the pajamas back on as Lily starts pulling clear containers out of the plastic bag. She has watermelon, pineapple, mango, and cantaloupe, and my stomach growls as I look at the food.

I join Lily on the bed and she hands me a fork and some napkins. We then eat silently, knocking out the cantaloupe and mango first. I move to the pineapple next as Lily opens the container of watermelon.

"Mmm, this watermelon is delicious," Lily moans, her mouth full.

"Can I have a piece?" I ask, putting down the pineapple.

Lily nods her head and picks up a piece of melon, bringing it to my mouth. At first I'm not sure if she seriously expects me to eat it from her fingers, but her soft smile convinces me in a moment.

I take the piece of watermelon into my mouth and chew slowly. Lily's smile doesn't falter as she watches me chew, and then she licks the juice off of her fingers.

"Delicious, no?" she asks.

"God, yes," I respond, searching for a napkin to wipe my mouth. Lily beats me there and licks my chin, cleaning all of the juice. When she's done she kisses me, letting me taste the watermelon on her tongue.

Lily pulls away and kisses my cheek, then moans lightly as she nuzzles my neck. The action is so tender that I can't help but open my big fat mouth and ask the question that plagued me this morning.

"Lily?" I ask hesitantly.

"Yes?" she asks, not moving her face from my neck. Her warm breath against my skin makes me shiver.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Lily pulls away and looks at me, her brow scrunched together in curiosity. "Is it serious?"

"Kind of," I respond, beginning to feel nervous.

Lily moves back to sit cross legged on the bed, facing me. "OK, shoot."

It takes me a moment to figure out how I want to phrase this. My nerves are making it difficult to think.

"What is this to you?" I ask, gesturing between the two of us. Lily's face is unreadable as she looks at me.

"What do you mean?" she asks, playing dumb.

I sigh. "Lily, you know what I mean."

Lily seems uncomfortable for a moment, shifting around on the bed and not looking at me. "Well... I like you a lot. We're friends, we have an awesome time together, and I think you're hot."

I wait for Lily to look back at me before I respond. "Oh, so we're... _friends_?"

"Well yeah," Lily says, confused. "No matter what, I consider you my friend. I was really upset when we weren't talking. You mean a lot to me, Nina."

"Is that all?" I ask, my voice catching in my throat. Oh God, she wants us to stay friends. Don't cry Nina, you _can't_ cry.

"Hey," Lily says softly, reaching out of touch my hand. I continue to avoid her gaze and then I hear her sigh. "OK, maybe that's not all."

"What?" I ask, my head snapping up immediately.

Lily looks at me intensely, giving me the distinct feeling that she's coming to some kind of decision. Finally, her gaze wavers and she sighs, her shoulders slumping.

"You know that feeling when you like someone? Like you want to be around them all the time and you can't help but grin like a moron when you think about them?" Lily asks, looking at me nervously.

I can hardly breath as I process Lily's words. I _definitely_ know how that feels.

"Like you would be content to spend hours just looking at them? Just taking everything in," I breathe.

Lily's smile is adorable as she nods her head. "Exactly."

"So what about it?" I ask, needing to hear the words.

"Well," Lily whispers, leaning forward. "I maybe, just a little bit, might feel that way about you." Her smile is amazing, filling me with an undeniable sense of joy.

"Awesome," I say, unable to control the huge grin on my face.

Lily smiles in return and then her eyes light up, suddenly remembering something. She leaps off the bed and walks to her dresser to open a drawer on the top. After a moment of rifling around inside, Lily pulls out a small wooden box and brings it back over, then positions herself comfortably on the bed while I stare at the box. I wonder what's inside?

My question is answered quickly when Lily takes out a small plastic baggie, filled with what I'm assuming is pot, then pulls a single Dutch Master out of the plastic bag the fruit was in.

"Is that pot?" I ask, wanting to be sure.

"_Ding, ding, ding_," Lily teases as she breaks open the Dutch Master and dumps the insides into the plastic bag. "You've smoke before, right?"

"Um, no," I answer, embarrassed. "But I'm pretty sure I once got a contact high."

Lily laughs loudly at that, still concentrating on her work. Once she's done, she holds up the finished product.

"This, Nina, is what I like to call _Lily's Loving L_. It's basically a blunt that I put all of my love and care into, which guarantees that you'll have a wonderful hiiiigh," she sings, grabbing a lighter and running it along the blunt.

Finally, Lily lights one end and takes a long, deep pull. She holds her breath for at least ten seconds, then exhales a long, thick stream of smoke.

"Your turn," Lily says, holding the blunt out to me as she smiles wickedly. _Oh boy_.

... ... ... ... ...

My body is taken over by insane laughter that I can't control, and my chest is burning from all of the smoke that I've inhaled. Despite my discomfort, I continue to roll around with tears streaming from my eyes.

"... _Yeah, I said you're fat. You're_ _a fat fucking bitch cause you won't let me borrow that fucking top. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you with something hard and sandpaper-y. Betch..._" Lily sings, waving her arms around and dancing to the ridiculous techno song. Her voice is mockingly valley girl, so she's a mixture of absolutely hilarious and insanely cute. Once it comes to an end, Lily bows and then turns off the music, rejoining me on the bed.

Finally, I calm down enough to speak. "Please, _please_ explain to me _what_ that was," I exclaim, taking a hit and then choking.

Lily laugh and throws her head back, clapping her hands together. "_That _was the best song ever. This guy plays a character named Kelly, and he dresses in a blonde wig and nerdy glasses. Then he records amazing fucking songs like that. I mean, tell me that wasn't funny," Lily explains, grinning excitedly and taking the blunt from me. Her coherency amazes me. "That was my _jam_ like, five years ago."

"I don't get it, how do you like, act like..." I snap my finger repeatedly, unable to think of a word. "Like you're acting right now," I finish, laughing at my lame explanation.

"How am I acting right now?" Lily asks curiously.

"I don't know, you're like..." My eyes go unfocused for a moment as a million different words to describe Lily flash through my mind.

"You lost it didn't you?" Lily asks knowingly, thinking I lost my train of thought.

"No, you're... You're acting like _you_. And I am _definitely_ not acting like me," I say, shaking my head. "I'm like an idiot."

Lily laughs and leans back against the pillows, taking a pull off of the blunt. "You're not an idiot, you're just high."

"But so are you," I argue.

"Yeah, and you've never smoked before. I, on the other hand, have smoked _many_ a blunt," she says in a cartoon voice, making a funny face as she exhales a large cloud of smoke.

I giggle, fanning the smoke away. "So what, you get used to it?" I ask, trying to wrap my mind around the concept.

"Yeah, Baby. Now stop stressing out and lay down," Lily purrs, pulling me down beside her. "I'm gonna give you a shotty, OK?"

Huh? "What's a shotty?"

"Just close your eyes, and when you feel my lips, inhale," Lily says, leaning over me and smiling. "Trust me."

Her grin is infectious and I close my eyes, smiling dreamily. I hear the blunt sizzle as Lily takes a deep hit, and then I feel her looming over me. Her lips touch mine just barely and I inhale, just as she's blowing the smoke into my mouth. When my lungs are completely full, I pull away and let out a long stream of smoke, feeling the effects of the hit immediately.

Before I can open my eyes, Lily's mouth is at my neck, licking and kissing up to my face. "That was fucking sexy," she whispers, pulling my mouth to hers for a deep, heated kiss. When her hands touch my hair, I feel tingles on my scalp. They slowly make their way down my neck and spine.

"Lily," I gasp, pulling away. "When you touch me, I feel electricity."

Lily's eyebrows raise and her face becomes amused. "Well, relax and enjoy it then."

My response is lost, not that I had much of one anyway, as Lily's hand slides up the inside of my leg, her nails drawing tingling paths on my skin.

... ... ... ... ... ...

Lily hovers over me, her hair creating a curtain between us and the world. Her lips are soft as she kisses me, sending chills through my body.

Lily chuckles and bites my neck hard.

"Ow, Fuck!" I yell, shocked at the sudden pain. Lily takes no mind of my words and starts to lick at the wound she just inflicted.

"Shhh, I'll make it better," she whispers, dragging her nails against the skin of my thigh. It stings, and tears start to form in my eyes.

"Lily, you're hurting-" I'm unable to finish my sentence because she roughly shoves two fingers in me. I can't help but groan.

Lily's eyes are mocking as she looks down at me, her hand fucking me. "Mmm... Nina, I could do anything to you right now, and you'd want me to, wouldn't you?"

Her words spark something in me, and I'm immediately filled with a vile feeling. I want to _hurt_ her.

Somehow our roles have reversed, and I'm now straddling Lily on the bed. Her eyes are smoldering as she looks up at me, seeming nervous and excited. This angers me even more and I lean down, pulling Lily's hair and kissing her roughly. She moans loudly into my mouth and I suddenly realize _exactly_ what I want to do. My hands slide out of Lily's hair and down to her neck, slowly starting to circle it with my hands.

As Lily and I continue to kiss heatedly, I add pressure to my grip on her neck. It doesn't take long before Lily realizes what's happening, but my grip is too strong and her struggles make no difference. I see the light start to fade from Lily's beautiful eyes, and I can't even figure out _why_ I'm doing this. This isn't me...

"NINA!"

I'm jolted awake at the yell of my name, and for a moment I'm completely disoriented.

"What-?" I start to ask, but my eyes quickly adjust to the darkness and I see Lily sitting up in bed, looking completely freaked out. She's moved away from me and her body language is screaming defensive.

"Nina, what the _fuck_ was that?" Her voice is shaky and accusatory, and her eyes are wide.

Dread seeps through my entire body as I realize how bad this is. Oh _God_, what did I just do?


	10. Chapter 10, Part 1

Author's Note: Hello strangers! I would like to give a sincere, huge, gigantic apology for the 40 year hiatus of this story. I've been busy with life, I've been disenchanted, I've had writer's block, and the little free time I have is usually spent sleeping. All of those combined equals not writing. I'm sorry for the wait, and thank you to everyone that reviewed, and an even bigger thank you to those who have been pressuring me to update over the last month. Without those comments and messages, I probably would've lost interest all together.

I'm back now, though, and I'm going to be bringing this story to it's conclusion soon. This is Part 1 of Chapter 10, and I'll post Part 2 tomorrow. I hope this chapter was worth the wait (really, really hope) and I 100% promise that I'll update tomorrow. Enjoy!

... ... ...

"NINA!"

I'm jolted awake at the yell of my name, and for a moment I'm completely disoriented.

"What-?" I start to ask, but my eyes quickly adjust to the darkness and I see Lily sitting up in bed, looking completely freaked out. She's moved away from me and her body language is screaming defensive.

"Nina, what the _fuck_ was that?" Her voice is shaky and accusatory, and her eyes are wide.

Dread seeps through my entire body as I realize how bad this is. Oh _God_, what did I just do?

... ... ...

I sit up, and my thoughts race as I try to form some type of explanation to give Lily. What do I even have to explain? I don't know what just happened. Lily's looking at me with an expression that demands that I answer right now. Begging is the only thing that comes to mind.

"Lily, I'm so sorry! I was asleep. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was dreaming, and I guess I was doing it in real life... Please don't hate me." My words become faster and more jumbled as I speak, and by the end I'm nearly hyperventilating.

"Nina, slow down," Lily says slowly, as if she's speaking to a 4 year old. Her expression is less anxious now. "I don't hate you. That was just... not something I expected. I'm fine, though." She looks down at her arm and rubs it. "I knocked my elbow on the wall when you threw me back, but nothing serious. Relax."

Wait, what? "When I threw you off?"

"Yeah, I tried to wake you up and you shoved me off of you. I flew back and hit the wall."

The moment I register her words, it's as if the world started turning again. I let out a deep breath that I didn't even realize I was holding. Thank God. Thank you, thank you.

"I shoved you..." I say, slightly dazed. I can't believe my luck. Well, I guess it's not lucky that I managed to not choke Lily in my sleep. More like a last minute pardon, which I guess is kind of lucky.

"Nina?" Lily's curious voice startles me. I realize that she was waiting for me to say something.

I can't help but wonder what did happen. This doesn't add up. "Why did you freak out just now? You looked like I'd hurt you."

"You were scaring me," Lily says, finally relaxing and laying back down on the pillows. She props herself up on one arm and rests her head on her palm. "You woke me up, thrashing around and screaming. You were saying my name, and your voice didn't sound like you. Honestly I thought you were having a seizure or something, so I tried to wake you up."

I can't stop myself from letting out a sob. I'm laughing and tearing, overwhelmed by the situation. Did I just get out of this or dig myself a deeper hole?

"Nina, what's going on? You can tell me." Lily's expression is nothing but concerned. She reaches out and holds my hand, pulling slightly to try to get me to lay down. I don't budge an inch.

"No, I can't." I pull my hand away and look away. I can't look at her right now. It's all about to come out. I know it. I'm dreading it.

"Nina, please," Lily says, sitting up again and turning my face to her. She lightly strokes my cheek with her thumb, and when she speaks her voice is very quiet. "I won't judge. You can tell me anything."

"You won't understand. You'll hate me," I moan. I can't meet her eyes, so I look around at everything else in her room. I glance at the clock and see that it's 3 a.m.

"We need to be honest with each other. I don't know where this is going between us, but no matter what, I think honesty is the most important part," she says. I finally meet her eyes and see the feeling there. She really does care. "You're so upset. Please Nina, tell me."

I can't speak. There's nothing I can tell her that isn't horrible. If I tell her about this dream, then I have to explain the other dreams. Then I'd have to explain what a fucking psycho I am and all of the crazy things that have happened in my head.

Lily sighs loudly, and I can tell that she's losing her patience. "The longer you stay silent, the more freaked out I'm getting because I think you're going to tell me something really bad. You were saying my name. I don't know how this involves me, but it obviously does."

"Ok," I sigh, feeling defeated. Time for the shit to hit the fan. "Just promise me you'll hear me out."

Lily crosses her heart with her finger, silently giving me her word. I believe her.

"For the last few months, I've been having these dreams." I pause, trying to figure out the best way to explain this. "Really, really vivid dreams. I guess they started around the time I went back to the studio."

"What kind of dreams?" she asks, not taking her eyes off of me. I keep looking away. I can't tell her all of this while I look into her gorgeous eyes. It'll hurt both of us too much.

"At first it was sex dreams, but after awhile, they became bad ones... Dreams that feel like reality. In them, my emotions are... _deranged_, to say the least. Sometimes the dreams are memories, but a lot are new. Either way, they're violent and scary."

"And you just had one?"

"Yes." I swallow the lump in my throat.

Lily waits silently, knowing that I'm not done.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "I was dreaming about you," I finally say.

"Me?" Lily's voice is so tiny that I can't help but look at her. I've never heard her sound so surprised. So unguarded. So much like a child. It touches something in me and I push forward, now determined to get it out.

"I dreamt that we were in bed fooling around. You were being really aggressive, and something just snapped in me. I felt angry and I wanted to hurt you, so I..." I trail off, looking away again. When I speak, my voice is a whisper. "I strangled you."

A moment of silence. "Have you dreamt of me before?" Lily's voice is surprisingly calm, and when I look at her I see that her face is blank. I know her well enough to know that it's a mask. She's not calm at _all_ right now.

"Yes," I confess. "Almost all of my dreams are about you."

At least a minute passes as I watch Lily, waiting for her response. I get more and more nervous as the seconds tick by and the silence doesn't break. She never looks away from me, even once. When she finally speaks, I wish that it was still silent.

"Should I be scared?" Lily looks down as she asks this, focusing on the tiny feather that she's pulling out of the comforter.

My heart shatters into a million little pieces. I finally had her. I know what it's like to be with her, and now I've lost her.

"No! Lily, I don't want to hurt you. At all. I would never, ever hurt you, but in my sleep I'm not myself. I can't help it." I can't give up. I won't.

Lily ignores me and gets up, pulling out her cigarettes and lighting one in about 3 seconds flat. She takes a long drag and blows the smoke out in a stream. She remains standing, staring at me intensely. The silence becomes unbearable, and she just _has_ to say something.

"Please say something," I plead.

"What do you do in your dreams?" she asks, not a second later.

"They're always different scenarios. But in all of them, there becomes a point where I just feel enraged, psychotic... And then I kill you." I find it surprisingly easy to get the words out. Maybe I'm becoming numb to the situation.

Lily lets out a humorless laugh, as if she can't even believe this, and turns away from me. She walks to the window and stares out, smoking her cigarette silently.

"I don't get it," she finally says, still with her back to me.

"What don't you get?"

"I don't get any of it," she responds, finally turning around. She stubs out her cigarette and then returns to the bed, sitting crossed-legged in front of me. I still haven't moved from under the comforter.

"You have dreams about murdering me. Let's put that on the back burner for a second, if that's even _possible_." She rolls her eyes at her own ridiculous statement. Yes, let's put my murder fantasies to the side, for now. "Why do you think this is happening?"

"I don't know," I lie.

"You've never had something like this happen before?" I get the feeling that she won't believe me if I say no.

"Not while I was asleep." My response is ridiculously vague, I know.

"While you were awake?" she presses.

My hypothetical, mental train is hurtling at full speed toward a brick wall. I really hope this is just another nightmare and I'll wake up soon to Lily kissing me and offering to make breakfast.

Unfortunately, this isn't a nightmare. Not the kind you have while you're asleep, anyway. This is my personal, living nightmare.

The silence stretches on and then Lily seems to finally snap. "Come on Nina, you can't just go quiet now. My instincts are screaming at me to get the hell away. I'm trying really, _really_ hard here. You've gotta meet me half-way."

I sigh, closing my eyes again. She's right. If I don't say something, I'll lose her for sure.

"We've never talked about what happened to me before opening night last year," I say.

Lily's brow creases, and I tell she's confused by the turn in conversation. "No, I never wanted to ask. I thought you would tell me when you were ready."

I smile grimly. "I'll never be ready, but I think that's what this is about."

"What happened?"

"I've always been slightly neurotic. You know that about me." Why do I think that building up to it is going to make this any easier? Oh right, because I'm a coward.

"Yes," she responds, nodding her head once.

I clear my throat, preparing myself. "Last year, all of my issues built up. I reached breaking point, I guess, and I freaked. By the time I was cast as Swan Queen, I started..." How do I phrase this without sounding crazy? "... seeing things."

Lily looks even more confused. "Like hallucinating?"

I nod. "I would have moments where I thought something was happening, and then reality would suddenly return and I would realize that I'd imagined it all."

Lily says nothing, looking at me anxiously. I can tell that she's nervous about where this is going.

"Once, I was in the studio practicing," I continue, "and I turned to face myself in the mirror... My reflection wasn't doing what I was doing. It was moving on it's own, and I was watching it."

She wasn't expecting that. Lily's eyes widen and her mouth forms a tiny 'o'. Amazingly, I find myself thinking how cute she is. Could there be a more inappropriate moment to be thinking that?

Her face mirrors how I felt at the time. "Tell me about it. They weren't all nice like that, either. I imagined a lot of stuff, and most of it was bad. Violent things. Do you remember the night we officially met?"

"In the bathroom?"

"Yes. You were banging on the door trying to get me to come out, but I didn't because I was busy peeling a strip of skin off of my finger. Or I _thought_ I was, until I tried to wash the blood off and then saw that my finger was fine. I had imagined it."

"Wow, that's..." Lily trails off, at a loss for words. I've never seen that happen before.

"Yeah, see now why I didn't want to stay and chat?" I joke weakly.

"I see a lot now," Lily responds, staring blankly at a spot on the bed. I give her a minute to process this. I'm just so thankful she hasn't kicked me out yet. She's keeping her promise and letting me explain.

Lily finally looks up at me, and the confused expression is back on her face. "How do I tie into this?"

Why can't this conversation be over with? "I've spent a lot of time thinking about what happened. I've told my therapist about a lot of it, but some of it I just couldn't tell her. So I've had to figure it out on my own."

"What happened, Nina?" Lily asks, seeing past my blatant attempt to stall. This is the part I didn't want to tell her. This is the part that will determine where we go from here.

"I guess," I start, sighing, "when it boils down to it, I took myself too seriously. I took my life, ballet, _everything_, too seriously. When I had to take on the role of Swan Queen, obviously I took that too seriously as well. I felt like I had to become the role."

Lily snorts. "I'm sure it didn't help that Thomas was yelling at you about it 24/7."

"No, it didn't," I agree. "I didn't know how to be the Black Swan, but my subconscious did. Until that point, I'd never given thought to how much of a little girl I was. Everything about me, from the way I dressed to my bedtime routine. I didn't want that anymore, but it was all I knew. I wanted to be sexy, fun... _wild_. I wanted to embrace the darker side of myself, but my instincts wouldn't let me. Then I saw you..." I look down. She's going to start catching on any minute now.

"And I was all of that," she finishes for me. I still don't look up.

"All of that, and more. I saw what I wanted to be, in you. I guess I sort of projected that part of myself onto you."

"Projected?" she asks, her voice amused.

I look up at that. "I had to take a few psychology course," I say defensively.

"Really? I didn't know that." Lily seems genuine and not mocking, so I relax.

"Yeah," I confess. "It's been helpful in my search for-"

"Get back to the story," she interrupts.

"Sorry." I pause, trying to remember where I was. Oh, that's right. My fixation on Lily. "I didn't realize at the time that I even wanted all that. It's strange to think back on. I was so _naive,_ and just in complete and total denial. There was me, the Nina I'd always known, and this other Nina that I didn't even know existed."

"Nina, the Black Swan?" Lily offers.

I laugh weakly. "Exactly. My own, secret Black Swan. It was like these two parts of me were waging war and I didn't even know it. I was sabotaging myself, but I couldn't accept that it was me. So I blamed you."

Lily thinks this over for a minute. "When you say that you were projecting yourself onto me..."

"I mean the part of myself that was bringing my world crashing down around me. I thought that you were out to get me. That you wanted to replace me. I couldn't differentiate between the real you and the way I imagined you." My voice has become so quiet and strained. This is so hard. It's amazing that I've gotten this far without breaking down in tears.

Lily's face tells me that she remembers something. "That night that you dreamt that we'd had sex?"

I guess she's finally getting it. "It wasn't a dream, it was a hallucination. In my mind, we left the club and you came back to my apartment with me. And we had sex."

"Was I good?" Lily asks again, grinning. Her smile is beautiful, and it helps to ease some of the tension that's about to make me crack.

"You were amazing," I say softly. My face must show how much I love her. I don't think I could possibly hide it. As an afterthought, I add, "Not as good as reality, though."

Lily smiles at that and takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. With one gesture, she's telling me it's alright. That I should keep going. I don't know if I can ever tell her how grateful I am to have her in my life.

I sigh and continue. "Then I woke up and saw you weren't there, and I was really late for practice-"

Lily cuts me off, nodding her head. "And then you got there and I was filling in for you. Wow, the pieces are finally falling into place."

"Obviously I was convinced that you'd drugged me and fucked me in order to get my part."

"No wonder you didn't like me," she muses.

I close my eyes again. Here goes.

"On opening night, I saw you with David, so when he dropped me, I _knew_ it was your fault. I was so angry about the whole thing, and then I got to my dressing room and you were there, wearing the Black Swan's costume. I don't remember a lot because it was all just so fast and confusing, but I attacked you. Then I was fighting myself, Black Swan against White, and I ended up stabbing the other 'me'. The moment it happened I snapped out of it and realized that it was you I had stabbed. I thought I'd killed you."

I open my eyes and shut them quickly. Lily's face is horrified. She hasn't let go of my hand, though. I squeeze her fingers tighter and continue.

"I hid your body in the bathroom and got ready to go back on stage. I felt different."

"And then you danced the Black Swan like you never had before." Lily's voice is low, raspier than usual. I can hear the struggle she's having with this. I still don't open my eyes. She still doesn't let go.

"I'd finally embraced the darkness. I went to my dressing room and your body was still there, and blood was leaking out from under the bathroom door. I didn't know what to do so I just started getting ready for the finale, and then you came to my door. I was so shocked, and when you'd left, I went to the bathroom to check. It was empty. No blood anywhere. I realized then that I'd imagined it all, and that's when the truth finally hit me. I'd stabbed myself... Then I understood everything."

"Oh, Nina," Lily chokes out.

I open my eyes to find Lily crying. I've never seen her cry. She looks beautiful. Not that she doesn't always, but in this moment, she's letting herself be vulnerable. She's opening up to me the way that I've opened up to her.

The sight of her does it. I finally break, dissolving into a mess of tears. Lily climbs onto her knees as I do the same, and we meet each other half-way. Lily holds me tightly to her, and I wrap my arms around her waist, burying my face in her neck. We stay like that for what seems like forever, hugging and kneeling on the bed. At some point the tears slow and we end up laying on the bed. Lily never lets go of me.

"I'm sorry Lily," I groan, my voice muffled by her neck and hair. "I wasn't in my right mind. I haven't hallucinated since that night. I know what's reality. I know who you are now."

"Shh, Nina. Stop." Lily's voice is soothing as she strokes my hair gently. "I know. I'm not mad, I'm really not. I'm just scared."

I pull back, looking into her eyes. "Of me?" I ask, sniffling.

"No, I'm scared _for_ you."

Her words make me feel inexplicably ashamed, and I bury my face in her hair again.

"I'm fine."

"No," she argues, "you're not. You had something horrible and traumatic happen to you, and you're _not_ fine."

I sigh and pull back, this time rolling away so we're not completely entwined with each other. I turn on my side and scoot closer to her, looking at her seriously.

"None of that's happening anymore, though. I just have these dreams... They always replicate the feeling I had that night. Some type of psychotic rage. I hate it. I don't know how to stop it."

Lily looks at my thoughtfully, and then she sits up and stretches. "I think we need a break. It's nearly morning. Do you want to get breakfast? There's a 24 hour diner down the block."

"Ok, that sounds good," I say quickly, thankful to be done with this conversation. I know it's not over, but for now I'm just relieved.

Lily gets off the bed and walks around to the side I'm on. She leans down and gives me a kiss that's so sweet that it breaks my heart. Maybe things will be Ok. I hope so.


End file.
